I’m sorry for wrecking everyone’s day I’m sorry for the quiet world I live in were people are bored of me busy running their own live rolling their eyes when text tem hope like crazy I’d implement what I say, my wake up call this morning was from Leicestershire Polices mental health assessment and crisis team a combined service from NHS and the police. They r trying to encourage me to have a assessment be I’m really scared on my own so I’ve said no, and will keep saying no until I know in my mind that I won’t be left to it so people can just walk away from me like has always happened in my past.
You all smile and laugh when I say I’ve never had anyone but it’s true no one stays around long enough to stay with me I’m the man with the disease that people think they can catch, and I’ve given up explaining anymore because people only believe themselves.
I want help and support but know like the past that when I ask no one is there they are to busy and I ended up failing like I always do? I found seriously one person that I can trust but she wants the be as far away from me as possible she has the skills to help me but like others before her I’m just yet another project that makes me feel like before.
On her birthday I wanted so badly to give her a kiss and say thank you but I couldn’t I was to scared she would go like everyone does but I left faster than I walked in the room I wish I could sit and chat to her on my own but I’m ashamed of how I feel about her and me.
I’m sorry for everything I’m sorry for asking for help in my own way I’m sorry hiding away from the people who I’m worried don’t really care what I do as long as it don’t make them look bad! I’ve never had a friend in my whole life and I don’t know what to do or how to react.
That one young lady for some reason I seriously really really do trust I can answer why but something inside me tells me that she won’t let me down.
But it don’t stop me feeling that she might and I don’t know what to do if she did? I wish she would talk to me I wish she would not see me as yet another volunteer or another project and I wish she would reasure me that she won’t go! But I know she is like everyone before her she can’t do that because everything I’ve said is true.
I don’t like being alone all the time?