I don’t like this lonely feeling its to quiet no one is texting or chatting to me and i’m scared to text people in case they don’t reply or tell me to deal with it as they are busy, I thought if i spent some time typing my blog or doing some engraving it might fill the time up and mean i had no time to think! but it isn’t doing that i’m meant to be at meetings tomorrow and tuesday but all people will be chatting about is what happened today Mothering Sunday something i should have been celebrating with my mum but can’t because she isn’t here because she left me to fight life on my own.
I’ve even tryied filling in the carers assessment form but all i can hear outside is the neighbours having a party to celebrate their special day, if i listen to music i can’t hear if dad needs me! and i would get the blame if soemthing happened to him then. Dad thinks my depression is caused by losing mum he thinks like my brother as they have been chatting on the phone last night while i was out it seems! they feel i dealt with everyone else in a controlled mannor i supported them but never thought about how i felt and they didn’t care one bit as it wasn’t their problem.
Probably their are right i cared for mum single handdly with a little support for 5 years day and night and said nothing as when i asked for help no one came, i took the blame for mistakes and took responsibility for medical decisions as well as issuing her medicatiuon single hannded ly! i had the skills and no how therefore if things went wrong dad and my brother wouldn’t get the blame, As i was told over and over again i owed her BIGTIME? and like always now everyone is walking away from me.
I put mum in that grave my decisions meant she is there because of me and i know that and it don’t matter what anyone says i have to live with the decisions i made over the years my sentance is a life of lonelyness a life of people talking behind my back, a life of constant reminders that my actions meants everyone lost.
I grow up in a school where death was the norm where your friends sometimes never returned after the school holidays, where your class mates sometimes died in front of your very eyes, and were you would regularly attend funerals on behalf of the rest of the school, i was lucky in some ways my conditions where under control but others weren’t and when mum became unwell i took on the tasks of providing her with all the care i could regardless of how unwell it made me?
Now i’m mentally unwell and terrified of fighting it alone, i never left mum alone i was by her side regardless of how violant she was, i received punctise and kicks i had my little finger broken twice and my teeth knocked out but i said nothing i never sort medical treatment as i felt i would be made a example of that i was in the wrong for taking it, she had dementia something she had no control over and dad and my brother didn’t really understand what it meant, i did i was trained by the NHS trust to deal with patients like mum i knew more that the average person how to deals with situations.
I covered up lots of things and still do! thought people that say i can trust them need to learn how to read behind my responses to their questions what i’m really thinking and saying they need to prove that i can trust them and that they will stick by me as i’m truly scared they are going to walk away from me just like people have before..
I want the old me back the me that could have a joke the me that didn’t feel like every joke was pointed at me, and that everything i do or say is a way of someone using it against me in the future! i want to be able to be independant again be able to feel safe on my own in town, I don’t want to be so terrified to go somewhere that i won’t even attend meetings anywhere where i can’t park the car straight outside or within eyeshot.
I want to learn some new skills away from IT and technology away from my hobbies, skill which mean i can help others skills which mean i could one day get a paid job doing! but the support isn’t there the confidance has gone, i can’t cope without having someone i know and trust around me, someone i don’t have to explain everything to someone that knows by how i’m looking what’s wrong and someone who can support me so i don’t feel so lonely anymore.
I promise to the young lady i truly trust 100% that i will go for a assessment if she promises to support me and attend with me.. i can’t do this on my own i’m scared of how i’m feeling and what will happen! I’m going to ask my GP tomorrow if he will send me for assessment as soon as possible! i just want help but am scared of what will happen if i admit i’m struggling..