It feel like I’m a problem to everyone that my life is worth nothing most days now I go bed hoping that I sleep and never wake up! People are bored of me, they are inquisitive for a while but don’t really want to help.
I’m just a great talking point? Some who when I walk in the room the whole place goes quiet and all eyes are on me, I’m bored of being the local freak show! The one friend I have thinks I’m a problem to? I know they are bored of my constant wanting to chat to them suggesting that I speak to Mind or the Samaritans! So I don’t trouble them and they can return back to their perfect life.
Why do I feel like I’m losing everything? Why do I find it so hard to do simple things? Why can’t I find someone who really and truly wands me for me?
I find this last night online and thought it said everything about me when I go!
My plans are progressing but those that ask get told the same that I have no intention of following them through, I have no intention yet of following them through as they aren’t complete? But all everyone is interested in is that they won’t be seen as responsible. I can assure those that are worried about this that I have no intention of bringing you into it.
So your perfect life will be unscathed and you will have one less person to cause you problems, people who know me well know that they can ask me a question and know by how long it takes for me to answer their questions whether it is true or whether I’m trying to cover up because I’m scared they won’t support me any longer!
Why am I so scared that I have nothing again? Dad wants to be out with me all day today so that he can time exactly how long it takes me to get from one place to another! He keeps saying that he is sure I take time just so I’m away from home.
He is right but he says that today he will note how long it takes me to do things and if I’m quicker then I better have a perfect excuse, and he said the other day that if he isn’t going out then he sees no reason why I should.
He says he plans to make sure sooner or later that I have nothing and no one that will mean I have to stay home and support him regardless, it’s payback for the years they wasted on me! And should anyone come asking questions he will deny any knowledge but I better her a good reason when they have gone.
As he says if you touch me I’ll have you I’ll give you good reasons to hate me and I’ll make your life a misery, you deserve to lose everything and by the time I’ve finished that will be the case. If I go out without him knowing where I’m going get locks the doors and keeps the keys in the back of the lock that way my key won’t work.
I used to go out with jenny from 5pm every night until 8.45pm it’s now 7pm til 8.45pm if I don’t get in by 9pm they the doors are locked and I have to ring the bell and hope he answers, upto now I’ve only sleepy in the car once in the last two years.
Now I tend to come in early and make excuses to jenny but I know I’m losing her and like he says I deserve everything I get? Why is it when I find someone who I really trust I lose them? I struggle to get out to meetings in the day now because he uses the guilt trip if I don’t stay or starts a shouting match which he knows will cause me to go to my room as it nerves me and like a baby I just want to hide.
Why does it feel like I have nothing worth being here for I’m getting quieter and less willing to be a part of anything! I feel so guilty that my presents yesterday at the get together of the 1 friend I have was roaned by me? I really don’t know how to fix it. It would be easier for me to walk away and do what everyone is thinking anyway.
I’m scared I have nothing and no one mum was so right she always said that when she had gone no one will want me either and it’s starting to come true?
I’ve been crying most of the night but there is no one there for me anymore I don’t want jenny to read this blog but maybe her friend will choose one entry that might make her understand how I’m feeling and why I talk to her best friend more than her at this minute.
I’m finding things to tough to explain these days?