Beady eyes!

after the events of today i have finally realised that i’ve been a fool for believing that no one cared one shit what i did my new best friend was truly looking out for me and so was jenny, she alerted the bossman and my friend of what i did last night and yesterday afternoon my life has been saved my friends i wasn’t aware where keeping a concerning eye on me a beady eye on me, I’m still seriously scared that i’m going to lost my new friend and she seems very angry with me this evening when i sent her a questions.

I don’t want to lose her my quietist time is afternoons and nighttime when the world is lest busy but my mind is unable to switch off, i don’t have options i just have voices and thoughts which come alive when there is nothing to stop them, it scares me that they reason why she isn’t talking to me is because i’ve not paid her like i do other people.

I know what tomorrow is and i bet not a single persoon will be willing to talk to me because they are enjoying mothers day with their mum, and i have nothing only the bad memories of carering for mum and her eneveatable end. I really don’t have a reason to get up tomorrow i just want it to end as fast as it starts, I don’t want to be alone and quiet tomorrow and i know that is what will happen.

My new best friend has already got bored of me and i know i will never hear from them again, i’m yet another volunteer that once office hours end i’m back how i started, Monday i will be making a appointment to see my GP to see if i can be put onto something stronger that i’m already on and to help my depression.

Dad has apologied for not supporting me but it don’t change how i feel it just makes him feel better, he says he can handle the rise on SS payments per month but i know he can’t and he says that if he finishes the carer then he will help me with things but i know that won’t happen to., I know that i’ll end up doing everything or we will spend every last minute of the week at the caravan in norfolk where i endup dooing everything now he is unable to do it or i sit at the other end of the caravan using my laptop while he is watching TV or sleeping.

Nothing changes and I still end up doing everything regardless, the one thing he has said is that i may as well forget 100% the chances of jenny being accepted into our family, she is a lier and cheat and isn’t a s dum as she says and acts as she is..

He intends to make sure we never ever get together properly, he says that jenny deserves to be used and cheated on so she knows what it feels like to be the waste of space that she really is, I totally disagree i understand her condition i grow up around people with the same condition it was the norm and some was every disability growing up in a special school was a different experience to school now days.

The world i unsterstand is a disability controlled and managed one it is a world where understanding is the norm and idiots are idiots. my motto has always been “Don’t Judge People Until You Know The True Facets”.

I really don’t want to lose jenny but i also don’t want to lose the friend i have found i trust her and feel safe around her, but i’m scared she now won’t every talk to me again..

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