To Quiet!!!

No one is chatting again or answering my text messages its so quiet and when it gets like this i start hearing the voices telling me that i’m a waste of space and that my life isn’t worth the effort, I’ve been working on a website i’ve called Night its a website that is for people like me that find it difficult to sleep and also have depression or other conditions that mean when its quiet you start to feel like your the only one!

I hope with some help and input from others i can make it a point of contact and chat for those that are struggling to cope when the time or the day means you are alone and no one cares, I wish i wasn’t feeling like this! Today i returned from volunteering earlier than usual a visitor made me feel nervous because he was the uncle of the man that assaulted me 8 years ago.

I know this face because the police chose to show me photos of hist family members so that if while he was serving his sentence i could inform the police and they would ddo something about it, His sentence ended in 2012 and since then i have hoped i wouldn’t have to face my fears again.

My fears have always been there i have just done my best to try and ignore them but lately since my depression has started again its becoming more of a challenge, i have avoided certain situations for many years so as not to have to face my fears! something that has made me become isolated and fearful of going places alone or meeting people.

I have lost friends who were good for me who supported me and where doing their bests to help me face my fears again, but now i have no one and as a carer i’m becoming more isolated again. Dad is hard work he see’s that i owe him as he and mum spent all their lives purposely being isolated so i could live to see another day?

But at this minute i feel i don’t want that “Another Day” because i have nothing to look forward to and don’t feel that my i have anyone around me that is willing to spend the time to support me and help me face my fears again and this time sucessfully get over them, No one up until now has ever seen the hidden me and i understand that now that they are i will lose what i have because people don’t want someone like me spoiling there days and taking up their time.

I wish i had what everyone else has i wish i didn’t feel like i do and i wish i could make a difference again like i used to, mum always said that one day no one will want you and no one will care whether you was here or not! i’m starting to believe that and although i keep being asked “Do i feel like i want to for full my plans and commit suicide” i always reply NO but it is times when it is quiet and no one is answering me that my mind starts to think that it might be a good idea.

I found someone i truly trusted someone i could confide in and talk to but i feel that i’m a problem to them that they don’t really want to be the unlucky person that i chose to confide in and that they really wish deep in the back of their mind that i should do what i was planning then “i wouldn’t have to answer your stupid texts and listen to your stupid thoughts” and i could get on with my life.

I wish my life was easy i wish i didn’t feel so so alone all the time and i wish the young lady that i liked hadn’t have said i was obsessed as she gave me hope when my mind was failing now i have nothing and it feels like everyone has it against me for feeling like this.

I’m trying hard to survive my days without the anti depressants that the Dr put me on but i’m not doing very well. I feel worse than i did with them, but it don’t matter anyway once alone, Always alone?

To try and keep busy i’ve been designing and engraving some things with my laser engraver, i thought i’d post some photos and a video on here.

I plan to sell some to raise some cash to by a CNC Mini Router so that i can engrave into wood and metals. Unfortunately dong this has meant that i’ve spent the time its taken to do them thinking and trying to find someone to text who will answer me but no one has?

My aim is to use the router to create items which can be sold to raise money for the Leicestershire & Rutland Carers Centre, which support the unpaid carers like mysel here in Leicestershire.

I wish i didn’t feel so alone at this minute!

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