This week isn’t good for me! I’m running from the past and struggling to cope at the same time, the listening ear isn’t there and i’m feeling like i’m on my own. I understand everyone has to have a holiday and has other things to do other than dealing with me but it’s so quiet that i am starting to struggle i’m starting to feel more and more isolated.
I know i’m really hard work and i know its my own fault i’ve had it drummed into my head for years by dad, I admit i hide a lot because its easier to hide than let people in to my world and struggle along trying to cover my tracks so that no one see’s the problems i have. What you don’t see you don’t know about and this means i don’t have to explain.
But sometimes it gets to much and like now i really really need help and there is no one my mind can’t cope with everything and i’m ashamed and embarrassed that i don’t know what to do, I really want help from the person i trust i really won’t that person to understand that i’ve never ever told anyone what scares me the most she is the first and will probably be the last, I hope she will not give up on me and try and be by my side while i overcome my fears.
I’m scared to do it on my own, i trust her much more than she will ever know she listens to me and she don’t judge me i’d love to be able to go out somewhere and be a part of a social gathering without feeling the odd one out like people really don’t want me there and like i’m no invited but hey at least we have someone to take the piss out of?
At this minute I spend most of my times out either driving around or finding spaces in car parks and just sitting watching the world go by wishing I had what others had! But I don’t And probably never will?