It’s so quiet again no one to chat with and I’m wishing I hadn’t started this new medication I’ve still got the shakes and my chest is wheezing and tight yet again! And I feel so much alone.
Think I might give some of my drugs a miss i hate the way I feel and the voices in my head are back telling me that I need to remember that when I’m not around everyone is happier, and when it’s quiet it means you need to get up and go?
I wish I didn’t feel so alone I wish I had someone to chat to like me! My new friend has done what I expected to happen so I was right all along!! People get bored everyone sees me as a waste of space and time so the voices where right?
I hate feeling like this I hate the fact that i’m to much effort and hard work? According to the remainder app I have a meeting today but from what dad said last night he’s given the carer today (Tuesday) and tomorrow (Wednesday) off because since I did fuck all yesterday other than fuck off out wasting time, it’s time I learnt what real work is!! So I’m home again .
On of these days I’m going to do something I’ll regret but it will be just my luck that the fuck dick head will get up and walk away, I had a letter yesterday from open university to say that my grant applications to participate in a course which starts in September has been denied, on the grounds that due to the benefits I’m receiving COULD be terminated before the course completion.
Which is right! So there goes that idea I just wanted to prove to dad and everyone else that i’m not the waste of space that everyone sees me as, I once had a high level academic qualification but because of my depression and everyone around me telling me I wasn’t good enough? I destroyed it all every last peace.
I wanted to be ordinary again! But being ordinary just means that i’m still not good enough I’m still the waste of space I always was, my brother still has his degree in printing and media and has job offer rolling out his fingers. Dad is so proud of him and the perfect image of a worthy member of society he has become.
All my efforts have failed yet again!! I have nothing and no one? People just want to be as far away from me as possible and they have good reason. I’m hard work I’m a waste on there efforts.
Maybe it’s time I put my plans into action, no one would care one little bit anyway, I lost everything because I’m not good enough, I can’t believe how stupid I was to believe someone I loved to bit felt intimidated by me.
The fact that they are so dam beautiful so caring and understanding meant she is so dam attractive, but just like what dad and everyone else has ever said? No one wants a loser and low life anywhere in their lives and they are right!! I’m not good enough to have a friend I’m not good enough to make anyone happy or proud of me I’m sorry for failing everyone I’m sorry I’m not good enough I’m sorry I cause people problems.
I’ve already started coming off my antidepressants that way there is nothing to stop me completing my plans, my bet with myself that no one would stay around long has been won! So I’m on my own now like before? No one understands what it feels like to be so alone!
Why my quiet world drives me so crazy and why the less I say means the more I’m struggling to fight my way out of the box people keep resealing every time no one talks to me. I wish people could see life from my side I wish people really understood but they don’t! And never will because they have all they want and need.