Still Awake?

Im still awake and it’s 4.31 am I went bed at 11 pm, I’ve tried almost everything the sleep shit on my bed so I gave up with that one! And the listening to music didn’t even work.

I’ve tried listening to my kindle book but I ended up reading the lst 126 pages and buying the next book in the series so that fucked that one up, I tried putting the computer on and doing another laser engraving but it just caused another problem I forgot about, the smoke smell in my room!!

So that fucked that idea up!! So I’ve got back in bed for now, I would normally put the Amateur Radio on and talk to someone across the world! But my 39ft radio mast came down the other night in the winds and snow? It has been up since 2002 when I first gained my amateur radio license from the Office Of Communication (OFCOM). So it’s done dam well?

I’ve ran out of ideas so for today I’ll just have to hope I don’t make a mistake? I need to make sure I check and double check everything! It’s not like I’ve had this before, it just means making sure no one knows I’m really tired. But it’s not like I’ve not had this before? This is how it goes with the condition I have! I’ve got used to this obstacle but before I had mum to support me? Now it’s just me? I really miss mum so so much.

I’m alone again! In a world where I feel don’t understand and without anyone who is truly there for me, jenny don’t understand she sees everything has a joke!! As long as she isn’t sitting at home bored then she has no care in the world.

I’m scared of being so alone? I’m scared of being made a laughing stock yet again? And I’m scared my new best friend will walk away once she gets bored, because all I want to do is sit and text chat or fix my fears!.

She will see me as stupid? I can’t explain to her face to face what I struggle with, I’m just to embarrassed?

I admire those people that can go into a establishment with loads of people around and just concentrate of chatting to the person they have come to see, I can’t! I’m constantly nervous that the person that assaulted me all those years ago is watching me? He made my life as it is now he was the only reason why I’m so scared to meet people in town. I’m constantly looking around looking for his face in the crownd of people around me!

I want so badly to be a part of things to finally be invited out somewhere and feel safe, instead I always decline I’m to scared that history will repeat itself and next time I won’t be so lucky?

No one will ever understand how scared I am how I watch everyone else enjoying what they are doing and all I can do is constantly assess the risk of me being there and how it will impact dad if something goes wrong!

I’m a failure as it is! So don’t need another reason for them to have a go? It’s ok having a friend but I bet like in the past she will be gone, the minute she experiences me hiding in a corner when voices become raised higher than I can confidently manage.

Or when I get a telling off or warning for a reason I don’t really understand even though I say I do, I know she will be gone just like the rest before her? I’m 43 but all the lifetime of achievements and fun I’ve never experienced, whenever I do anything I used to bring it home to mum and she would congratulate me and put my stuff away safe.

But once mum died? Dad started shredding every last thing as he said they were all bad memories and doing better isn’t good enough! I owe people and for the rest of my life I need to get used to owing people.

So for a very long time now I don’t accept awards or prizes or gifts for things I’ve done! It’s pointless? I have no one to show things to, no one who would be proud of me and nowhere to put anything. I can’t have a lock on my room as the rules in the house is!

Whatever’s yours is mine and anything that doesn’t have a practical or of monetary value must go? Awards and certificates don’t have monetary value so go? End of!

So I do my best to avoid awards? I do my best to make sure I hide in the background away from focus away from the limelight, I don’t do anything I do for people to give me something for it, I do it because I like doing it? And I’m scared that if I’m seen to be achieving something the thing I’m doing will end and I wont have anything! I watch others gain awards, win gifts? And wish I could have that! Unfortunately I wouldn’t know how to reacted so would probably run for the hills, I’m never going to be good enough for anything like that and don’t try to explain anymore it’s pointless.

I have a bet that my new best friend will be no more by my birthday in July! They will be bored of my need to chat a lot, bored of wanting anything to do with me? I’m used to not having anyone around me who I can trust 100% hence why I live a hidden life.

A life were I’ve spent hours and years training in loads of things where I’ve only taken up hobbies which means I’m always alone? And hence why no one has ever wanted to learn about the other side of Glynn.

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