I have to apologies for getting something out of context whatever that means i’ve never had a best friend and i’m really scared that they will go just like all the rest once they get bored of me which is what has always happened in the past, i’m extremely hard work and so dam scared that this person and everyone before her won’t be around long.
i’ve never been very good in groups i’ve always been used to doing one to one stuff and if only i had help and support i would really like to be a part of things, its not a fun world on your own its so boring.
Today i’m home working upstairs with my laser engraver another project where i’m working on my own again i’ve just told dad i will be taking photos at the centre tomorrow (monday) and he has gone crazy he say i’ve been doing stuff here for years now all of a sudden i want to get out as soon as possible! he says that i own him time and money.
I’m useful when he wants me and the rest of the time he don’t care, tomorrow he wants me and the carer if she turns up to go shopping he says i own him and will owe him until the day he dies. them i can have my time.
I owe everyone and it don’t seem to matter what i do i end up alone, i know that if i don’t do stuff with the centre i will end up with no one just like now.. at this minute i feel like the smallest person in a big world, mum left me money to spend on something i enjoy which is photography and to use my skills to help others, the centre gives me time out from being a carer 24/7.
I used to be a somebody i was a academic with a degree in IT, depression took hold and the lonelness of a world that don’t accept people that are different took over, I destroyed all evidence of my life my efforts photos where never taken anyway, i was to unwell to graduate with everyone else so my paperwork came through the post and for a year or so stayed in its envelope until i shredded it just like everything else at that time.
The only things i keep are all the bills and the letters from people i owe dad says it reminds me of what i have become and who i really am, instead of the make believe world that people like me dream of being in..
I am and always will be a nobody i dreamed of being able to find a person i could trust a person that would understand me and wouldn’t see me as a freak i wanted to not feel so alone i wanted to be able to go out places with them and not feel like i have to pay them to be there, i wanted to find out what it was like to have fun. something i’ve never had.
Growing up i was always told that fun was for those that were fit and well it was people like me that meant fun was roaned for normal people, my days where spent receiving medication and physiotheropy as well as nebulisers every four hours
What is a nebuliser? how to use it.
I never had time to have fun like my brother and the rest of my family, relatives would never come and visit and therefore when family parties or events took place my gran would come around and everyone else would go out.
These days people think i’m ignorate at functions and events when i sit in a corner or get involved with the background work its because i feel like i’m not part of what is going on i’ve always wanted to be a part of something but i always feel like i’m not welcome so i tend to go and leave people to it, people wonder why i hate being in photos or like to be behind the scenes doing things i feel i’m not good enough to be anywhere else and I’m happier to be left to do things i know how to do.
It would be nice to be able to teach other people like i used to but i slowly starting to lose my confidence on that after a incident which meant i wasn’t listened to and someone got hurt and unfortunately i got the blame as i was teaching that person and should have realised they had no perception of danger, My response to the management at the time was “i’m not a fucking mind reader, and your proccedures for assessment at fucking shit!” i lost my first and ever job i ever had. The management of the organisations who investigated the incident rule that it was my fault for now checking the paperwork, Which they knew i couldn’t read anyway.
Hence why i don’t teach anymore and won’t take risks on anything ever!!
I’m sorry i make a mess of things i’m sorry i cause so many problems to so many people and i’m sorry i let people down, i’m 43 and a waste of space and just wish sometimes the disease i have would take my life as it will do eventially.