It’s 4.40 am and I can’t sleep again? So I’m trying to fill in this carers assessment form but have been on the same question for the past 40 minutes.

Can you please tell us what support is already received from us?

How do I say FUCK ALL in a polite way? We have a carer that is meant to work 5 days a week between 9 am and 4pm for a maximum of 2 hours a day! But she has Wednesday off and Thursday and most other days because she can’t be arsed to get up but instead calls in with a different excuse every time, and when I send her a warning letter via the council she contacts a union who say I’m breaching the employment act because she has technically informed us that she is unable to come to work because! Which then means the council order us.

Some paperwork came from the DWP the other day for dad which I filled in for him to the best of my ability! But now I’ve sent it away he has said that if he has to pay anymore for anything them he will make sure I gut the bill!

I can’t seem to win at this minute last year I ask for help from the council to fill in one of their forms and someone came a did it, but because I was unable to produce subsequent evidence to prove I find it difficult to read and fill in forms correctly they sent dad a bill for £58 for wasting council officials time, which I ended up paying an extra £22.00 on top because he refused to pay it by the deadline.

Now I’m doing this assessment form for which I know what will happen, it will be seen that i’m capable of caring for dad without any ferther support and I will be offer £250 which I cannot spend on others or use to pay bills but it must be paid into a bank account.

Last time I got granted it while I was a inpatient at Glenfield hospital it was paid into my bank account and by the time I was discharged outstanding debts had taken it for payments, which meant I’d breached council rules and I was ordered to pay it back in full plus court costs because it was deemed I’d used the grant fraudulently and therefore I wasn’t entitled.

So I’m reluctant to even try and complete this form as I might end up paying the council because my bank accounts are both in overdraft and by the time my benefits go into them the money is normally gone, but for £20 odd which means I have to use the overdraft to then pay my bills off.

It’s no fun when you are paying for one mistake of judgement and trust which means a life sentence of owing someone else, it has been drummed into my head for years that if you make a mistake then you are to forfit the right to ever have options. You pay what you owe and if you can’t pay you don’t have.

I don’t have anything these days, it was my honest mistake that I believed anyone would love me for me! It was my mistake that I trusted someone on their word? I refuse to accept anything from anyone! In fact I’d rather give my time for nothing because whenever I take anything for it their is always a catch.

I don’t allow anyone to buy me anything as I’m unable to repay them and that then makes me worry about how I can afford to repay them as well as everything else, I’d rather sit without anything then worry about how I’m going to repay them.

I have expenses as a trustee but I’ve never used it in the 26 years I’ve held the position, I choose not to go out with people because I can’t afford to pay for them to be with me. All my life it’s been drummed into my head that if you want friends or anything in this world you must be able to afford it first, I can’t afford it so I don’t have it.

I watch others having fun and going out but I sit to one side away from everyone because I’m to scared that I won’t be able to afford the bill. Family gathering that I used to be invited to I always ended up paying out for everyone to enjoy themselves else I was classed as the kill joy, people think I’m tight and a scrounge but you be in my shoes that all your life you have always ended up covering the cost for others to enjoy themselves and for you to be left to one side, when the cash runs out.

Now do you understand? Maybe not!!!

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