This morning i got up and went straight out because the second i got down stairs he was having a go about not doing what he asks and not buying anything he wanted, it seem that yesterday when i went shopping for him four times i didn’t get anything that he wanted he told me to get what was on the list and if it wasn’t available i should get what i thought so i did.
But it seems that was wrong to! so this morning after i’d cleared the snow from the front and back as well as layed salt so people don’t slip and he still had a go at me about spending to much time outside chatting when i could be making him a cuppa, I feel like fucking cinderalla as well as feeling like i’m on my own.
I’ve spent my morning sitting in the cafe at asda fosse park because its warmer there than at home, dad is sitting with gloves on and 2 jumpers as well as fleece trousers and mum’s fleece snuggy that she used to use.
I ended up just people watching because i don’t have any cash until tuesday, and i have no one to chat to now as no one answers my text messages any longer and the person i trusted i’m scared to disturb incase i’m seen as doing something i shouldn’t.
Yeh i might have been a bit Over the top and in your face but at least i cared and at least i had someone to chat to, now i have no one now i’m just me, i finally found someone i could confide in someone i felt safe with and felt sort of understood me but i totally screwed that one up
At this minute i’m sitting here crying because i have nothing i’m ashamed to turn up to any events where this person will be because i feel i’ve let them down and i’m embarrassed to show my face as i will just be laughed at and be another talking point.
Dad has been chatting to my brother telling him that i’m wasting his money shopping that i don’t bring the right things back even when i take a list with me, i’ve not bothered to take my medication this morning as its pointless all its doing is slowing down the chances of me gaining infections and becoming unwell again.
Today i wish i’d finished all the things i had planned and i wish i had someone to just give me a cuddle and tell me it will be alright but i don’t, at this minute i’m sitting at home wishing i was where mum is now 6ft under, in ten days time it would have been mum and dads 45th wedding anniversery and according to dad its because of me that its not.
It seems i let her die! i watched her take her last breath and couldn’t do anything to stop it just watch, i found out from blood test results recently that i have the same condition as mum had which means slowly over time my body will become amun to antibiotics and sooner or later their will be nothing available to help fight infections.
At this minute i wish it would come as soon as possible because i have nothing anymore and i feel that all i ever do is let people down, its 0 c outside and i think i might go out again and sit in my car and watch the world go by, i’m scared to reply to any messages i receive just in case i end up getting in trouble for it..
I understand my brother is coming later to see dad so i think it will be a good idea for me to go out that way its not two onto one and i’ll come back in a bit. but i’m so so cold.