It’s cold and my oxygen levels are low hence why I’ve just got up although it’s taken my an hour or so to get dressed and have a wash but people don’t see this and it’s embarrassing to tell people that your 43 and can’t even dress yourself because you can’t breath, there are many times I wish I could go sleep and never wake up again but up to now as you can read it’s not happened!
I got told I have a unhealthy obsession yesterday? Sadly the person that said will never know that obsession when it was quiet stopped the voices taking control, the voices that tell me what a waste of space I am, that i’m a freak and worthless the voices that laugh at me all the time.
The obsession I had I would never have done anything about it just kept the voices away but I have to accept that the voices are in charge and I lose again, all I ever wanted was to be accepted and all I ever did was upset people.
I came down and got my orders for the morning! I’ve brought the washing down stairs and put it in the machine I’ve added a bit of soop and conditioner and just closed the door and pressed start? If my former obsession contacts me today I’m not replying I don’t want be prosecuted for someone.
As a freak we have to pay for friendships we are loners we have no one to cover our backs or chat to when times get tough we are the people who get the eye roll when they talk to or read our messages, yet while we are useful we have everyone around us. The loudest voice says I need to go get some copper wire and clips!
I’m really cold but I have to go out and find somewhere that people don’t come to much, it’s time to let the voices take control? At least my obsession meant the quiet times weren’t taken over by the voices and I could have good dreams instead of darkness.
At least jenny knows where mum’s grave is and can leave flowers when the time comes, at least I know I have no one now instead of me hoping I might! I accept I’m worthless I accept I don’t fit in I accept that people don’t want me anywhere near them.
I thought people would be different when I left uni but I was wrong, mum was the only person that accepted me as me but she has gone! The young lady I liked I trusted I felt safe around and liked talking to now I trust no one now I although she was a obsession that I truly wouldn’t have hurt for the world I don’t have her now I have me and the voices that scare me the voices that agree with dad and the rest of the family, that life would be better and easier if I wasn’t here.
Soon the voices will win and everyone will get there wish the safeguarding act is a joke! I reported someone 6 weeks ago now their dead? And the crisis team contacted his family yesterday to ask how he was feeling? Rather cold I think!
Fucking waste of time county and city are as useless as each other and social services don’t give a fuck as long as they are receiving their wages each month, no one gives a shit, friends and family members are a fucking joke and I’m the obsessed freak I’ve always been!