In a hours time it will be 16 minutes past 12 and Saturday morning will just be starting if I can get my car cleared and started I’m getting out of the house before dad can start having a go at me for something! Yeh I don’t have much fuel but I also don’t have carer support over weekends or evenings and if I stay in the I might do something I regret, and as dad keeps imprinting in my head ” the law is on my side and they won’t believe you but they will me” fuck knows what he’s on about but to be honest I really don’t care! If it means I park in a car park or laybye somewhere then that’s what I do?
I’m not welcome anywhere else but that’s always been the case for a very long time and I can’t afford to pay for any friends so may as well sit, today I went out four times for things because he wanted shopping and things to munch on, if I refuse he runs the guilt trip routine and unfortunately I don’t have the energy any more to fight him.
I’ve told jenny to do one tonight I’ve had enough of her constantly telling me that I let her down and only care about me and no one else so I told her to go put herself up for offers on a street corner, that way she might earn enough money to find someone who is worth her if not I’m sure her ex will love her.
If she starts tomorrow then I know as usual she has taken no notice of me again and is set in jenny mode (automatic mode) I loved her to bits until she slept with her ex now I don’t really care what she does and her friends will be so proud that they have finally got what they wanted and said I was stopping her from doing.
I’ve come to the conclusion that the voices in my head are in charge of my Destiny and that slowly everyone and thing is disappointing before my eyes.
I thought I’d found someone to confide in since mum had passed on, how wrong was i with that my obsession lead to me being warned and the only person I’d finally found that I truly trusted has gone, I upset that person. When I was focused on that person the voices in my head weren’t there now they are back with vengeance and it’s embarrassing to tell people about as they look at you funny and start looking for the hidden bottles, I’ve never drank in my life?
I need to while I’m out get some resisters for the circuit I’m making to bypass the surge protector.