Tonight it’s so quiet my dad is fast asleep and has been since 7 pm he won’t put the heating on because he says he won’t be able to afford the bill and pay social services for his carer, its one or the other he says so for the whole of today i’ve been really cold! I’ve been trying to find ways to keep going out in the car because at least its warmer in there but i’m running low on fuel and dad says he is no longer wasting his money paying for fuel for a car he don’t own.
All day has been really quiet and i’ve been really cold, i’m really muddled up as well but i can’t do anything about that, i didnt’ manage to have my medication this morning because i just wanted to get out the house as soon as possible as dad had been having a go again about me not being up, and i’ve given up trying to explain to him that since i started the new medication my oxygen levels have been really low over night therefore getting up quick means the room spins around and i feel really dizzy.
While i was out i was trying to find somewhere quiet where no one comes to much, the only thing i hear in my head when its quiet is the voices, they say that i’m not worth anything to anyone that i’m a failure and a loser, and that people don’t want to know me because i have nothing to offer then.
They are right i can’t affored anymore to pay for friends and although people keep saying that i don’t have to pay for friendships, i know from my past that the only time people ever wanted to be around me was when i was offering to pay for something or when there was no one else around! i lost the only person i trusted yesterday and although she was right about everything it now means i have nothing left to stop the voices taking control when i told my GP about the voices he just laughted in my face.
He told me to stop drinking and start finding something better to do with my life, he is our new GP he has decided to scrap the idea of reading past patient history for a more matter or fact attitude which means as he says “if i feel you don’t need the medication then i won’t be reissuing when you ask for your repeat prescriptions” I suggested to him that maybe he should learn to read then! i think i pissed him off because he asked me to leave, so from now on i’m heading to a walk in centre when i need medication until the CCG take notice of the complaints about him. On monday i’m going to make a appointment to see someone else!
Its stupid to think that one person that i truly trusted would accept me for who i am instead i gained a stern telling off and in so many words a warning, unfortunately that one person i would have trusted beyond anything i felt safe with them and did feel so alone in this world, but that person took it that i would act upon anything i said in this blog that i was obssessed and that i needed to accept that we was just friends! I’d already accepted that a very long time ago, but unfortunatly i roaned everything and now i have no one.
Mum always warned me that sooner or later i would be alone and she always said that once she had gone i needed to get used to the fact that being alone will be my fate and that no one wants someone who is different who thinks different, and she was right? now she has gone i am alone and its my own fault i upset everyone sooner or later and i deserve what i have.
I told jenny i’d lost my voice this morning and she believed me but the really thing was that i didn’t want to talk to her i wanted to talk to someone who i trusted who i could chat to and feel like they understood me, but i don’t have that anymore and never will.
I’m meant to be taking photos on Monday and turning up for a meeting on tuesday but at this minute i just want to be as far away from here as possible i thought i’d found someone who i could confide in for once who knew if i was covering up something and wouldn’t ask questions but i guess not that person was like mum was she would listen to me but again i messed up just like i have always done.
Sometime ago i asked someone to marry me and what happened? they ran for the hills taking my cash with them, my previous girlfriend before that died three months after we met she had cystic Fibrousis a disease which i now know had no cure and was fatal anyway, but that don’t make me feel any better, i trusted the person i lost yesterday i was willing to tell them about the world i hide from because i trusted them but it seems i scared the living daylights out of that person and i really didn’t mean too.
I’m sorry i messed up i’m sorry mum was right i will always be like this!