Got to go?

So dad’s not speaking to me because I wouldn’t go out earlier as it was too cold, he says I’m lazy and a waste of time and money he says that if I want something to eat today I need to go out and get it because he’s got all he needs? So I’m off out but don’t know what I can get for £1.50 so might have a drive. No one is chatting anymore and the voices keep telling me that it’s time to call it a day!

Found this coffin I liked earlier I have loads of friends around the world that are funeral directors or work in the funeral industry, it goes back to 2006 when I worked designing a website and running it for a funeral directors in Lancashire.

For years I’d receive through the post every few weeks magazines for the industry it’s the only industry I’d love to work in and know I would be able to work without people wanting to know what I did, cos no one wants to be reminded about the enevatable.

You see I don’t care anymore about what people think of me! I know now I’m not welcome anywhere and those people that say they are there for me aren’t? They just say it because it looks and sounds good. But people see me as a freak and the voices in my head that I tried to stop by focusing on the young lady I fancied and trusted are now in control because as she was right in saying I was obsessed and it’s not healthy but it stopped me feeling how I do and meant I had someone who I actually trusted and cared about and who I felt I could talk to! Now I have nothing like always.

I’m sitting in a car park off fosse road in Leicester trying to keep warm but also working out what I need to do next? It’s 12.38pm I have £1.50 in my pocket and 111 miles worth of fuel in the car!

The young lady can be reassured that I won’t be causing her anymore upset, I’ve sent her a text saying sorry and she sent a ? Back. i can’t tell her how i feel because i accepted that she would be my friend, but i wanted a best friend someone that i could truly trust beyond anyone, but i don’t have that now she was right i was obsessed by her but everything i said i meant but i promise on my life i would never ever have hurt her or done anything i was trying to find a way of getting rid of the voices and it did!

But now i don’t have her i don’t have anything life before, i trusted her beyond anyone i felt safe when she was around and i felt i could tell her stuff and she wouldn’t tell no one! now i feel i can’t do that i can’t talk to her without feeling that she is trying to find a way to have a go at me just like dad does and everyone else dose.

Its not that easy when you have no one, because when you find someone you just want to keep them, but i always lose them in the end because i say or do the wrong thing I don’t plan to take the money the charity was going to repay me for my photography insurance they can keep it as a donation from me, they don’t need to know i was happy to pay it out even thought it meant i had nothing left in my account and it means i won’t feel that i can’t use my camera and stuff when i’m out and about

My meds have made me really unwell today, i’m not bothering to take the anti drepessant anymore its pointless as the voices seem as loud whether i do or don’t, i’ll order the correx board for the centre event on tuesday, so at least they have that i don’t think i will be around by then so at least i will have kept my promise to mum before i join her.

I know i’m not worth the effort but at least i has hope now i have nothing, i’m starting to ignore jenny more that way she gets used to be not being there and her friends can have her back yeh she will be sad for a while but she will find someone else or maybe her FRIEND Danny will take her back.

I can’t afford friends and i’m not welcome if i’m invited anywhere as you can see that people really don’t want me there they just say it because it makes them feel better, my brain is extremely muddled up today and i wish i could just have a cuddle but i can’t dad is just going on and on about the fact that i go out and i haven’t got the brains to even remember what he wanted! He told me yesterday what he wanted and expects me to remember for today? I’m sorry but there is no fucking chance i don’t even remember what date it is today, in a bit i’m going back out again!

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