I’m struggling to sleep again I’m shaking and my chest is tight, I’ve just taken my inhalar to see if that helps but this is starting to really piss me off! I’m so tired!!

Every thinks that having respiratory diseases is such a breeze, we take our endless stream of medication a off we go for the day; you have no fucking clue?

Last night I went out at 5.30pm it was -5c out and I was freezing my balls off outside but dad was constantly on about “you fuck off out, most the morning as well as the afternoon, even though I’m sitting here alone and cold? You have no consideration about me at all? Your just like your brother?”

I went hospital volunteering In the morning and shopping for him in the afternoon everything I bought yesterday he’s sat and eaten! He insitces in not buying anymore ready meals and has started making everything, but upto now he has half started things then sat down back in his chair and told me I got to finish it cos he’s In to much pain with his knees and back to stand anymore.

I wish he would just learn that we need more help! He’s now decided to give the carer Wednesday and Thursday off as well as the weekends she gets anyway, even though I’ve told him she vets paid her wages for 44 hours a month regardless.

No him and my brother and his wife have been talking and have decidedthat I should stop wasting my time doing stuff for others and start getting my finger out at home caring for dad, plus he can save the direct payments funds so he don’t have to contribute as much towards it every month.

He don’t understand that regardless of if the carer works or not he will still have to make his contribution towards his care, plus I’m only keeping my promise to mum to support those people that have always supported me! I’m starting to feel like a modern day Cinderella but without the fucking dress!

So the dinner got burnt because he had so many things cooking and I ended up only saving the jacket potatoes and beans, and he still moaned that I’d woken him up! He said the other day that my sister in law told him that if I continue to leave him on his own of a evening even though he is asleep he could start getting people to annomislly report me to social services for neglect.

I go out a lot to get away even if I do sit a lot of the time in car parks or in laybyes in my car listening to the radio or napping. I’ve out stayed my welcome most places and no one really cares any longer anyway, I decided yesterday to stop texting the young lady I fancy as she don’t want to know me anymore anyway? I upset her so much by using my blog to tell her how I feel about her that she hardly ever texts me now and she has started to become like everyone else.

No one is interested in me I’m alone and will always be! Dad and everyone else is right I owe him for all the years he wasted.

I’ve just heard him come up the stairs on the stairlift just to tell me that he’s cold so has opened the whisky downstairs and had a quarter of it in his tea to try and warm up, he says that it’s about time that I was awake when he is every morning and I need to get up as there is loads of mess in the kitchen that needs sorting.

What the fucking hell do I do? There is no one to text message anymore everyone is bored of me! The young lady I truly trust and fancy don’t want to know me either and my brother says only contact him if dad is dead or in hospital has he has no time to waste on petty things.

I have no one? Please God i wish the young lady would start texting again she knows how I feel about her now and I can’t change that, but I truly trust her she makes me feel safe and seems to understand how I feel.

I don’t normally ask anyone to chat to me I don’t usually try so hard to be accepted by people I usually hide in a corner and hope things go away but I’m so so alone, I really don’t want to be here any longer? At least she brightened up my day at least there was someone who cared.

I’ve just got back in bed it’s 4.57am I’ve cleaned the kitchen worktops again and washed up, but I hear him in the cupboards again searching for stuff, I give up! He’s making it so I have to stay here so as to keep an eye on him all the time.

He is talking about cancelling the direct payments and care plan completely and then giving the money to my sister in law to save for him as I’m to forgetful! He is right? But that is why we have bank accounts.

Later I might go out and see how high the round car park in Leicester is or head off out of Leicester somewhere? The worst that could happen is I get prosecuted for neglect but I have nothing now and no one cares anyway.

At least the young lady knew that there was something wrong even if I was quiet at least she chatted to me! I feel so so alone I want someone to hold me. Jenny thinks everything is just one giant joke. She wants me to buy her a new cuddly rabbit because the dogs at her place have ripped all her teddies to bits while she was at a friend’s at the weekend.

I miss the me and jenny thing we had but we are more like friends now and probably that is best, she won’t be that upset then when I’m not here?

I really hope she keeps her friends then she can talk to them about the loser who used to be her boyfriend but go so depressed that he drove off into the distance never to be seen again?

On my sad scale 1 being unhappy 10 being fighting the depression that tears and hoping I don’t wake up another day or want to end everything asap. I’m a 11

The one person these days that I truly trusted even let me down she hated me for telling her how I felt about her and stopped talking, reading or listening to me! She probably even dumped the engraved gift I gave her?

It don’t matter anyway I never had someone who actually loved me and cared about me ever so she and others like her will have their wish sooner or later! Social services are a fucking joke family are a joke and friends I never had anyway they pretended to be so they got what they needed then disappeared like everyone always does.

Another few months and their lives will be so easy again!!!

I’m sorry I told you how I felt about you? I’m sorry I’m not good enough for anyone, I’m sorry I’m struggling to cope with my depression and everything else I’m sorry my dad has to keep using guilt trips to make me feel like I’m letting him down like I do everyone.

All I ever wanted was someone who cared someone who would love me for me and someone that listened I had that in the young lady! I lost it the minute I told her how I felt about her I know she wasn’t ready for someone in her life but she could of at least allowed me to prove to her.

Unfortunately just like everyone else she has given me the silent treatment she like others see me as a waste of time.. And she is right?

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