What Life?

Regardless of what i do today i’m in the wrong i got up not feeling well dad was still asleep in the chair my oxyen levels where 89% but i still managed to get up get dressed and come down, the kitchen was a mess the milk was still out from him making a cupa sometime over night i poured myself a glass but i’m unsure if milk should be lumpy or not, its always like it i can’t smell or taste things unless they are really spicey.

I cleaned up all the breakfast stuff and put away all the stuff i even washed up all the pots, i go bed at 10.30 every night so i think he has a party once i’ve gone bed because there ends up being more stuff in the morning that in the who house put together.

I decided to take a seat in the lounge but didn’t notice he’d woken up and he started on me about why haven’t i took the rubbish out and hoovered the carpet, hold on i’ll shove a broom up may arse and sweep the floor as i walk i told him i wasn’t feeling to well and he just said that maybe i should stop going out all afternoon and evenings doing stuff for people then i wouldn’t be unwell, plus i’d have more time to spend helping him.

it was 10 am so i got my coat on and left him to it he can talk to his fucking self and i don’t give a flying fuck what he says to the district nurses when they come in later, i’ve had enough already and there is no one for me to talk to i’m no longer welcome. They have had enough of me keep turning to them when things are getting to me, so i normally head off down to gilroes cemetery to go sit with mum and thats where i’ve been most of the day its 2.44 pm now and i came back at 1 pm only because i was cold.

I’m really really cold but i can’t deal with being go at all the time at this minute, mum used to tell him to fucking shut up and stop picking, but she isn’t here and sooner or later the way i’m going i won’t be either.

My new medication is giving me lots of side effects that i thought i’d learn how to handle years ago but it seems i’ve not, i can’t stop my hands from shaking and really could do with a hot drink at this minute but i’ve bought myself a bottle of pepsi hopefully that will last me the rest of the day because now i only have £1.50 left to last me the week.

It looks like dad has made himself something to eat again and of course left everything out again, he says i need to call SPA (Single Point of Access) Now as no one has been to change his leg dressings, but i have this feeling they weren’t due to come today it was Monday but appariantly i’m wrong again but i’m right and he isn’t happy again so i’ve fucked off out.

I’m sitting in the car park near the canal in aylestone, I have no cash and no where to go i’ve paid all my bills but i still have to find enough money to pay the people i was with yesterday £70.00 in total as there was 7 people i need to give the young lady i fancy something too.

Jenny has text me asking if i’m ok i know she is out with her friends and as i’ve told her soon she will need her friends when i’m not around she says she cares but no one cares and she choose the man she loved when she slept with him before christmas, so its time for me to move on yet again i might log onto her google account and change a couple of numbers in my mobile phone number so she can’t contact me.

She deserves better and so does everyone else, its lovely down here today lots of people and families all the things i will never have because no one wants me! i’ll drive back home and see if there is anything around for me to eat. I’ll most likely get a earfull again but to be honest i really don’t give a fuck anymore, it seems he’s asleep again!!

I can’t believe i’ve just stood for 5 minutes watching him sleeping hoping like fuck that his chest isn’t rising but it fucking is!! Today i don’t give a fuck about anything i’m going upstairs to my room and i’ll continue my blog from there.

I always had this perfect dream! to get married and have a family i could be proud of instead my schoolboy girlfriend dies in her sleep my ex takes all my money and runs off with her husband back to spain, and Jenny fucks her ex because i’m not that interested in fucking which she is, i’m not interested in it because i don’t have any feeling down there a lifetime of high strenght medication means i’m impatant and have erectional disfunction something i’m so so so proud of! NOT? i’m worthless.

Yeh i get horny and have the thoughts but no i’ve never fucked anyone and contary to what Jenny has said or any one else its highly unlikely i ever will. Dreams are for people that are worthy of a good life, for people that have friends and a purpose in life.

My purpose in life went more than 12 years ago now i just wait for the day when i go to bed and never wake up again, The young lady i love and fancy isn’t around to chat to she is most likely busy with friends.

I’m going to try and have a sleep dad is shouting about something again downstairs but he can walk to he can get whatever he needs himself i’ve had enough already, i’ll set my alarm for 5.30 pm them go out like i always do every night, if i tell dad i’m not seeing jenny anymore he will do the “Told you so” routine and tell me he was right i’m a waste of excistance and need to have died when mum did that way everyone would be happier now.

I might take a walk along the great central way footpath later i can park the car somewhere near town, as long as i’m back home for 9 pm dad won’t care one bit!

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