Not well

I’ve finally woken up its 9.05 am I’m shaking like crazy and I’m really light headed I feel like I don’t have enough oxygen, my pulse oxymeter says 89% of oxygen in my blood.

That would answer why I’m feeling light headed and why I’m struggling to wake up, thank God for speech recognition software on this phone else I wouldn’t be able to write my blog.

When I’m writing my blog at night or early mornings or while I’m driving I use my Samsung Galaxy S7 and speech recognition software which is on my phone, but in the day at home I use my touch screen laptop.

I’ve managed to get dressed but the room won’t stay still and I’m starting to think someone has given me iv alcohol over night because I would imagine this is how it feels when your drunk.

Just as a note: I’ve never drank a alcoholic drink in my life or smoked, while I was a uni student someone who was on my course was found dead in their room after a night of drinking and it scared me because he had CF. His family were devastated and because at the time I was still awaiting a formal diagnosis as my symptoms where so close to CF that it terrified me into thinking that if I drank I wouldn’t wake up, now days though I sometimes hope I don’t wake up as I have nothing when I do.

Unfortunately for me at this present time I wake up! I have less in my life worth waking up for and people would rather be miles away from me, I’ve just got downstairs and dad has had his first dig of the day about the house looking a mess and not being up.

I feel so unwell but the washing up needs doing and all the breakfast stuff needs putting away, I’ve just poured a glass of lumpy milk but it seems ok to me. If I only had smell and taste it would be great but I don’t so I’ve no fucking idea if it’s gone off or not until I’m sick.

It’s a great party trick! You can make a lot of bet money when you can’t smell or taste, my oxymeter says my o2 levels are now 95% that’s better.

I just wish today I’d be able to get some time out, but I’m not welcome anywhere I know that already and it’s getting colder sitting in the car.

Although bradgate park looks nice and so does Abbey park, this time of the year. But I’m really lonely and don’t feel wanted anymore, mum’s grave looks nice and I might go and clean her headstone as no one else is interested plus it’s something to do!

My brother hasn’t been to her grave since she was buried he says there are to many bad memories and he hasn’t the time anyway, I go because I miss her and I have no one now I’m alone and she always said that once she had gone this would happen and she was right!!

I’ll head down to gilroes later I think, just need to finish cleaning the kitchen, and get myself a bag of crisps out if there is any? I still got to pay the young lady the money I owe her I’ll get that sorted to..

I see jenny still thinks I want her, she is so fucking wrong! But I give up? I don’t have the energy today to argue with anyone.

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