I’ve done the photography as I promised and tried to make it look like I was happy even for the young lady I like but I’m not! I wanted to be as far away as possible. I spent most of my morning driving around it’s cold but I just feel alone I ended up taking jenny home after this afternoon but after her blaming me for being told off and her telling me that i’m upsetting her and I don’t need to be doing that with her condition as I’ll regret it.
I really don’t want to be anywhere near her, I’ve told her to go spend her life with the man she really wants as I’ve had enough of her I’ve not told her I love her and really don’t intend to.
I’m on a road to destruction and don’t need to be blamed for someone taging along with me, the young lady I like really want to be as far away from me as possible and she is possibly right.
Most people do!
I wish the floor would just open up and I could fall right in, I wish that one person I really truly trusted would not give up on me I wish I could tell her how I feel about her to her face without feeling like I do.
But i know I never will be able to do that my past experiences of being abused for saying what i want have meant I’m to scared of the response I will get therefore I can’t tell her other than via this blog.
I wish I wasn’t so embarrassed and ashamed of my life but I am, I pay for friendships because I know no one will ever sincerely want me in their lives, i wish for once I had someone who actually loved me and cared about me! But I don’t even jenny sleeped with someone else?
I can’t forgive her for that!! As I told her today Danny can have her because that is who she really wants and really no longer care, i can’t take the drama and the constant threats of if u don’t do this i’m doing this, you can do it to be honest i don’t give a fuck i’m sorry!
Dad had a go at me once i returned from the photography asked where the hell i’d been and i only said i was going to be out for an hour and half and that he could have died and no one would have known, i was nearly going to say chance would be a fine thing but decided not to add more fuel to the fire..
Althought the thought had crossed my mind tonnes of times, I’ve not had a shave today and i feel really crap, i used to care what people thought about me now i have no reason to care i have no one who is interested.
I’d probably make a effort for the young lady i like but i know i’m wasting my time therefore whats the point, tonight i’ll tell jenny to do whatever she wants as i’m no longer interested after todays performance she isn’t worth it and she can go take a run for it, her best friend danny has won his prize as he said, “i alway win” and just like my past somone else wins.
If the young lady texts me i’ll tell her the truth how i feel but i know she isn’t interested and i know that the gift i made for her is probably in a rubbish bin in a leicester street by now, but i deserve it because she really really isn’t comfortable with me showing a interest in her more than anyone else and you can see on her face that she wishes i was as far away as possible. But won’t say it to my face.
At least after tonight i will be out of jenny’s life and hers as i won’t go near people who are jenny’s friends that way my promise to make sure jenny don’t lose her friends is kepted Jenny deserves her friends she deserves to be happy with someone that gives her all she wants, I deserve what the curse that was placed on me to live a lonely life and die a lonely worthless man.
Its how it goes and its all i deserve i’m not worth effort or time or getting to know, i care a lot about others and would love someone to love me for me but no one ever wants that my professionalisum means i will always be happy to be the brunt of all the jokes and most of the jokes are well deserved, I would have loved to have treated the young lady as a princess and made her feel special but i don’t deserve anyone and i don’t deserve her.
She is and always will be the one person i truly trust and truly care about, she is the one person who i’d be happy to try and talk to and tell how i really feel but i know forewell that as before the bossman will always be around and that makes me feel intimidated and that she don’t really trust me, the one thing she doesn’t know is that i wouldn’t allow anything to happen to her. I love the banter we have together and she brings a smile to my face when no one else does, although i know she would rather be across the country as far away from me as possible.