Very alone!

It’s 7.22 am I’m semi awake but feel very much alone from what I was told last night it seems I have no carer support today even though she was paid her wages yesterday, she rang dad last night to say that due to ladies problems she won’t be in today.

Unfortunately I’m unable to disbelieve her so I can’t do nothing about it, I just wish she didn’t do this every month after she is paid though? Last month I sent her a letter advising her that I’m aware of a pattern of failure to work each month after her wages have been paid?

She advised me that she was entitled to have time off for issues beyond her control and that she had taken advise from a union and should I continue to pursue this she will be forced to take us as her employer to a employment tribunal for unfair treatment, and according to the union advise would win.

I took advice from social services who said that because we have chosen to employ our own PA rather than taking the care providers they suggested, we are liable for any tribunal rulings and that social services cannot therefore get involved, however they would be happy to offer one 30 minute call from a care provider 3 times a week Monday to Friday if I wanted to change. When I enquired what this would cover the reply was for you dad?

General support with

  1. Preparing food
  2. Personal care
  3. Home administration

For yourself I’m sorry but social services are unable to support you as you do not meet the criteria for need at this time, even though I explained that I suffer from

  1. Severe Asthma
  2. Chronic Bronchitis
  3. Allergic Bronchopulmary aspergilious

Which all come under the criteria of COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease) which in turn causes me to have limited mobility redused lung function and regular severe chest infections as well as depression. But it seems they are still unable to support me because I don’t have full COPD I only come into the category? Whatever the difference is I’ve no fucking idea other than one has a 26+ years time limit and the other has a 5 years on average limit on it.

So I’m alone again! I feel really tired again and my chest is wheezing and really tight because of lack of antibiotics, today is going to be a quiet day, I’m anxious that I’ve upset the young lady I trust and fancy and feel she is going to give me a telling off or warning about something, I feel I have no one to talk to! I’ve paid for my photography insurance yesterday and all my other bills and now have £3.42 in my bank until the week after next but at least i can keep my promise to mum to support the charities that supported her while she was alive, so today I’m off to crafty carers to take some photos, although I’m not looking forward to it.

I so hope she don’t because she really doesn’t understand how much her being around really makes me feel and how much I truly trust her and need her these days. She has been the only reason at this moment in time that I haven’t called it a day. I’ve made her a gift but I bet she will throw it away or give it to someone because that means she can forget about me.

Although I know I’m her worst nightmare and she wants to avoid me at every cost at least she listens to me, no one does that anymore I have no one that is there for me. That answers my texts because they want to because I mean something to them, some answer because they feel if they don’t that I will just keep going.

I’ll do my job and the rest of the time I’ll sit quiet I’m well aware I’m not really wanted and I don’t really fit in, but it’s either go do that or find somewhere to park up the car and just disappear into the blue yonder, I

Dad and my brother have been right all the time, no one really cares whether I’m here or not and most importantly people want to get as far away from me as possible as soon as possible, I don’t belong I don’t have anyone who is truly my friend.

I need to put what money I have in my wallet and pay my new friend even though the say their don’t want to be paid to be my friend but i know i will never see them again because its always happened. I’ll tell it’s for the sale of one of the engravings I’ve done, hopefully she won’t have read this part of my blog.

Most only read the first paragraph then just get bored, I’ll pay her off then do what I’ve always done continue to be alone.

She said that you don’t have to pay for friendships but I’ve always had to my whole life I’ve been alone I sit on the opposite side of pubs and restaurants so I don’t interrupt people’s fun, I always say no to invitations to parties or gatherings because I know I’m not welcome and it’s just a formality, they feel that they should invite me just because.

It’s -2 outside so need to wrap up warm if I’m going on a wonder later. Dad has just told me he wants me to go get some shopping and go down mum’s grave and put some flowers there, sadly he don’t know my plans and it should be to later buy the time he does.

Sadly the only person that might talk me out of this would really rather be as far away from me as possible, I trust her but know I stress her out to that is why she always gets the boss man involved.

I’m sorry I trust you so much, I’m sorry I feel so so alone and I’m sorry you hate me so much to. I know I’m just another volunteer in your eyes but I so wanted to be more, I know I’m not perfect I know I will never fit in and I know deep inside I’m not good enough for you or anyone else.

I’m so very alone and I wish I wasn’t?

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