I’m feeling really distant today I’ve volunteered this morning at Glenfield hospital here in Leicester, like I do every Thursday working with patients who have respiratory diseases like me.
But have felt like I’m on autopilot and not thinking about things, I feel like I have no one who is there for me I feel as though I shouldn’t be here like I’m a trouble to people and everytime I text someone they are sitting there rolling their eyes and thinking O God not him again!!
I don’t like feeling like this I wish someone would chat with me and help me to feel less alone, I just want my smile back when that young lady is around I get my smile back she makes me feel nice she gives me hope and a feeling that someone does care.
I hope she reads this and don’t feel pissed off with me! I find it so difficult to talk to her face to face probably because I have been got at so much by others when I’ve tried to talk to them.
This young lady puts me at ease but I’m afraid of her reaction if I spoke to her face to face where as via here I don’t get to see that reaction which mean I’m feel less anxious about it.
But am still anxious about the probability of a not so pleasant text message.
If only I did feel such a spare part or not really welcome even though she has invited me out, then I would probably go out more.
I would feel better if it was just her and me for a few time that way I can get over my anxieties and she would be able to help me deal with my problems of not being very sociable around others.
The sociability problems come from my childhood and me not being allowed to be a part of any family activities, that meant parties and family get togethers I was never ever allowed to join in with as my treatment would always be the priority.
Hence why these days I feel so isolated so much.