Today i have a appointment at Glenfield hospital to see my consultant my yearly visit which means i get to explain what is going on and how i’m feeling, I will end up having some tests and maybe a change in my medication.
I wish jenny wasn’t wanting to go with me but if i say no then she will just turn up anyway, I need to disclose to my consultant about the extent of my depression and jenny don’t know anything about it really, yesterday the mental health crisis team called me they are complete prats they don’t seem to understand that getting out of the immediate issue isn’t possible as their is no one else to do the caring role i do, Social services really don’t want to know and dad isn’t willing to pay anymore towards it.
He says that I will do it for free so why should he pay, i can stop going out and doing things for everyone else, yesterday afternoon i did some laser engraving inbetween helping dad write out his last Will and testimont which he bought a kit for! he decided that the house and contents and all funds should be left to my brother and his wife for them to evenly distribute at their descresion between us.
He feels that i would squonder any money on worthless items that have no use he feels that a contribution of £10,000 should be put aside for me to rent a flat anywhere i wish with a clause that should i choose to marry or live with someone or have someone live with me for 5 years or more after his death then i will receive no money at all.
It shows that i am a worthless person and all my efforts are for nothing, then he wonders why i don’t want to tell him about my depression. his argument is that i choose to spend time with losers and no hopers instead of doing what my brother does and “NETWORKING” I give up he is pointing the finger at me going out with Jenny he knows l fancy someone else and he says i would at least be treated as a person with her, but how do i tell him that she don’t want to know me, which is what happens all the time he don’t know that i go out every evening and just sit in a car park watching the world go by and have done since before christmas i meet jenny sometimes now but we are more like friends now than anything else.
I wish i had the guts to ask the young lady i fancy out and know she will say yes rather than being told NO and then feeling like dad is right and no one ever wants me for me, my family are right i’m worth nothing and i have nothing. I’ve lost my fight and really want someone to help me find it again.
The young lady i texted don’t answer me anymore i feel so alone all the time and she was the one person that made me smile and happier but i know she don’t want to know me and i know she would rather be as far away from me as possible, exactly what dad keeps saying “why don’t you get it into your thick head, nobody wants you! no one wants anything to do with you” and he is right.
I’m rethinking my plans Crisis team asked if i’d considered taking my own life, consider it! i walk my way through it every day so i don’t make a mistake and know it will work, the only person that would make me change my mind would be the young lady i fancy she seems to know me better than most and actually listens to me. If she talks to me and was therefore me i wouldn’t do anything.. But she won’t she is like everyone else she has her own life and friends and wants to be as far away from me as possible.
I’ll just continue to cover up and hide behind my humor that way no one will see how i really feel, no one really cares anyway!