Went to see Dr’s this morning as dad was in pain yet again when I got up, GP said someone would call within 24hrs still didn’t help though! So I just went for a drive I can’t sit there and watch him in pain and I have nothing to help him get rid of it.
I can sit and watch these days so I try to get out, I ended up driving upto bradgate park and sat in the car park for an hour. The only reason why I went back home was because the district nurses called to say they couldn’t gain access to visit dad and could I let them in?
We don’t have no carer again she rang in sick at 11.45 am so looks like I’ll have no one for the rest of the week now and social services don’t give me enough direct payment to get someone else.
It’s 12.09 pm and I’ve text and rang everyone I know to see if they were in or not busy just so I could get out again.
Dad’s sent me to go get some shopping but I really just want to get out the way, district nurses said there isn’t anyone else they can do to help me manage dad’s pain and I can’t stay around again and see history repeating itself.
I feel so alone everyone is busy I tried to make a excuse to someone that I wanted to come fill some forms in just so I could get away I feel so alone I have nothing to help me and I will never tell people this I make excuse to go places and do thing. As dad keeps saying I’m a show up and a waste of air, he’s right!!
I’m sitting in a car park watching the world go by nowhere to go as I’m to much of a trouble to everyone, the one person that was always there has gone and most of the time these days I wish I was there to, where ever there is?
Even the young lady I truly trust is busy and I’ve texts to say I’m sorry, she don’t know that I’m looking for someone to be with instead of being on my own but I don’t want to be a trouble so I’ll just writing my blog instead.
I might go and get some info about a new motability car for 2019 just to get out of the house, i know i’m out a long time and i know i’m going to get a ear full when i finally return but i can’t stay there today and i find it so difficult to tell people how i feel and whats going on if the ask i’m i ok i just say YES but people who know me know if its not because if the keep asking me i will sooner or later say no even with my most convincing voice. If people call me again those that truly know me and are truly interested in how i am will know for well that i’m not telling the truth.
I wish i didn’t have to cover up all the time but all my life no one has every really been interested in me so i’ve learnt to cover up, i’ve never had a true friend so no one has every stayed around me long enough to get to know me properly. When i was in university the only friends i had were those that i paid to be my friends, or i did there course work for them so that they could have a good time and i’d gain their friendship for a few weeks until they found someone else.
People will never understand how challenging it is to go out with people, i end up sitting in a corner quiet i hate being on my own but i don’t find it easy being around people to, I think jenny has finally clicked yesterday that we are more like friends than boyfriend and girlfriend, i still don’t trust her or her FRIEND Danny and i’ve told her.
Maybe i might one lifetime find someone that actually cares about me and won’t sleep with the first available person to come alone, but maybe i will always be alone and that i feel i will not cope with i’m struggling as it is.
I’ve just returned home its 3.15pm i’ve been out for nearly three and half hours mainly sitting in car parks or just driving around, yeh i’ve had a ear full about not wanting to be home with him and he knows who he can rely on when he really needs someone “Himself” its a good job the district nurse has just come back else i’d probably told him to go fuck himself and walked out because i really don’t want to be here at this minute but i’m truly to cold to go back out and park up somewhere.
My brother has called and told me off for being out to long and leaving dad on his own in pain, but when i came in dad told me that he had taken two co-codamol tablets and it had sorted the pain. As i made a point in saying to my brother where can’t he get his finger out his arse and actually do something instead of me all the time, the only reply i get from that is “well i’m working and i have better things to do than back your arse up all the time” I’ve come to the conclusion that whatever i do i’m going to be in the wrong the person that always used to cover my back and make sure i didn’t miss anything was my mum, she has gone and sometime i think no one would actually care one shit if i went to.
Today not a single person listened for my cry for someone to just be there to listen to me to hold me and make me feel wanted for once all i got was nothing, and people ask why i’m texting them with the word SORRY. its because i’m assamed to be disturbing people looking for someone to just be there for me, i’m assamed of being alone and feeling like i feel, i’m assamed of having no one in my life to call a true friend and i’m assamed that my depression is taking control and i have no way out.
This entry is secured because i feel people will use this all against me and make me feel more worthless that i already am, i realise now why the young lady i like don’t want to know me, its not because she isn’t looking its because i’m a show up i’m not good enough to make anyone happy and worthlass.