Tonight i went out at 5.40 like always wasn’t happy leaving dad but he told me to fuck off and keep the cow happy, i worked out that the cow meant Jenny he rambled on about something else but i wasn’t listening so i got my coat on and walked out.

But tonight i really didn’t care if Jenny was meeting me or not, it feels like we are friends we don’t have that spark anymore she sent me a message earlier saying i’m never interested in what she is doing and when i’m how i am i make her feel down to. I’ve tried to explain about my depression but she don’t get it and thinks if i take some lemsips and drink plenty it will all go away soon.

There was nothing to eat in the house again so raided my money box and and bought some chips for me and some for jenny, its the first hot thing i’ve eaton in a few days so it was nice but i didn’t really care if i had them or not i’m bored of everything i don’t care if i never eat again my weight has gone from 72kg to about 66.2kg over the last 4 months.

I don’t really care anymore sometimes i have my medication in the morning and sometimes i don’t! my memory is playing tricks and its getting embarrassing that people around me at remembering stuff that i should be doing, When i got home tonight dad was sitting on the sofa crying again, the pain from his joints is getting worse and he is struggling to cope but so am i.

I don’t know how to help him i don’t have any of the medication that i had when mum was here and in that amount of pain, i’ve given him what i have tonight 2 x 30/500mg Co-Codomal tablets its all i have as a last resort the GP is concerned his newly diagnosed Chronic Heart Failure is going to be affected by all the pain medication so he has stopped everything i had available. I hate seeing him in this amount of pain its like history repeating itself yet again.

I can see that i will be blamed by everyone for not taking care of my dad and will be made a scape goat by my brother if anything happens, The GP said that there is a potential risk of Serious Heart Attack or Stroke for my dad if the pain continues as it is but he is unable to prescribe anything to help.

I feel so alone the carer that i should have for 11 hours a week Monday to Friday only turns in for 3 out of the 4 and if she feels like it, I end up doing most of the things the carer should be doing and its starting to tirer me but if i say anything i get told by dad that if i make it so she leaves he don’t want to ever see me again, because she looked after my mum he owes her a promise to keep her job until he has gone.

I can’t win but I’m keeping calm about it.

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