My medication is causing me loads of problems today and my eczema is not helping all the nearly healed skin has broken open and is itching like i have glass underneath them i know its making them sore keep scratching them but even the creams i have to help stop it aren’t giving me any relief today.
My back is extremely sore and where in the past mum has taken a look to see it’s infected I don’t have her here now to help me now and if I ask dad he just says no it’s my own fault and it will teach me not to do it again! But it’s not that all medication has a side effect and 42 years of high dose prednisolone steroids has caused a endless stream of life changing side effect that I have no control over.
My body no longer produces steroid of its own and never will. I have a constantly high CRP level in my blood which is a identification marker of infection within my body, I have a mind which won’t shut down and I have a body which is tired all the time.
No one ever takes the time to learn to listen and understand why everything is such a challenge and why depression creeps up on me and causes me so many problems and wreaks my life and leaves me with peices I cannot fix.
Today I wanted to go out with the young lady I fancy I wanted to spend some time with her chatting but instead I made a excuse and although I’m the on call keyholder for the charity I’m a 30 yr trustee for I could have still meet her but for dad ordering me to go do some shopping and then put the washing away and do the pots.
Even though the carer was here yesterday she sat with dad all day chatting, today after I unlock the charity at 1.30pm he wants to head up to mum’s grave to make a point in showing me that my failures to keep a promise to her have meant she is now a box of ashes in a box under a headstone.
Yes I did let her down I promised her we would not let her get so unwell but I failed to stop it and let her down like I always do to everyone I meet.
My brother left home 20 yrs ago and I should have to but I need a lot of support when I’m unwell or depressed like now so would struggle to cope alone if I had a partner I would have support and a reason but I don’t, dad supports me sometimes but since mum left us he says sometimes that I’m to blame which is probably right.
I found one young lady that didn’t blame me that listened to me and actually cared but I know I said some bad things so I know I have lost her hence why I’m making an excuse and not meeting her.