Today i feel so alone i really miss mum she was always there for me she didn’t judge me and she was always there when no one else was it just feels like i’ve lost everything i had has gone, There is a young lady that i seem to trust more than most people but i’ve seriously scared that i’m stressing her out and i would never forgive myself if that happened.
She keeps me from doing anything stupid at this minute although i will admit i think about it all the time, and my plans are still being thought about just in case Today i might go and sit with mum for a bit like i did yesterday afternoon when jenny was with her friends i no longer go where i’m not wanted or invited i’d rather sit in the car alone than received comments like “what you doing here, you weren’t invited” or “I’ve got friends around and we didn’t invited you”.
Maybe even if i was invited i wouldn’t go because i have nothing in common with people and i end up just sitting on my own quiet anyway i can’t hear the conversations very well so miss lots of things, my GP says there isn’t nothing wrong and i referral will cost the practice money which they don’t have.
I wish valentines day would come and go jenny wants me to buy her everything under the sun so she can show off to everyone but after what she did I can’t seem to forgive her and I’m slowly feeling nothing nothing there!
The young lady I fancy would probably go ballistic if I sent her a valentine she did last time and it made me feel like I wasn’t worth anything to anyone, she is fantastically beautiful her perfect smile and gorgeous figure is to die for?
She is the only person who is in a wheelchair who I don’t care if she rides over my feet I’d do anything for her she is worth the effort. But I’m scared to ask her or send or give her anything I made a fool of myself last time, I’d love to hold her close to me and kiss her for a while.
But i realise I’ll never get that chance as I’m just not good enough to make the grade. I know Danny is after jenny as he keeps passing his sly comments and to be honest he may as well keep her as she is far more happier when he’s around than with me?
I would just love to kiss the young lady and hold her close but I’m to scared to ask in case I’m made a fool like always.
So it’s the weekend and it’s raining like he’ll again outside and fucking freezing in here, it’s 10.24 am and up to now I’ve washed up last night’s pots and this morning’s I’ve been out down the Dr’s to see if there is a prescription waiting and I’ve put the washing in the dryer, while dad is sitting moaning about the pain from his right leg. The ulcers have become more sore over night and are now leaking through the bandages which isn’t a good sign? Plus he’s getting more laboured on his breathing but is addiment that he is ok!
But i know from past experience that this is the start of something far bigger and caring for mum all that time I learnt a lot.