Dad asked me to go and get some shopping from at about 11 am he gave me a list as he knows that most of the time i forget what i went for and just guess, 9 times out of 10 i’m completely wrong but hey its how it goes i text Jenny to see if she wanted to come with me and went and picked her up from our usual meeting place.
Dad wanted things from scates at braunstone frith and another shop in town i went down the drs to see if the prescription was ready but they new nothing about it, as usual no fucking person knew anything until its to late but hey that’s how it goes, i think Jenny was bored so i dropped her off in town so she could meet her friends. I don’t go places i’m not been invited to anymore and even if i was i wouldn’t feel comfortable because i don’t drink and don’t want to feel like i’m there just because!
They are Jenny’s friends and i’m happy she has them unfortunately my friends have disappeared over the years because my family have not made them welcome so i’m happy to just find somewhere to go on my own, after dropping jenny off i went off to down to the other shops then decided to go to abbey park and park up and sit in the car park and watch the world go by even though it throwing it down with rain families are having fun in the rain.
I wish i had memories of growing up but i don’t i only every remember life in the children’s hospital, my friends playing happily and on the other hand families crying because a child had passed away i grow up around death and illness the life of someone who has a lonely heart forever its the way things are meant to be. When i go home at 1.45 pm dad moaned that i’ve taken to long and that i should be sorting out the cupboard and fridge to see whats out of date and throwing it, but i can’t see the point really i don’t eat much anyway as most of it i buy for dad.
He keeps tell me to get whatever i want from the money he gives me when i go shopping but when i do he tells me that i’ve wasted his money again, so i’ve started not bothering that way i can only get moaned at once rather than over and over again whenever he gets a chance to bring it up.I just found some somosus in the back of the fridge i don’t know how long they have been there but they taste OK
I might head down Abbey Park again another day its nice down there even though its raining might go and sit down at the river side and see whats going on there, Jenny is happier with her friends i just put a obstacle in the way and she don’t need that she is doing really well as it is, was thinking about what if’s the other night.
Dad’s legs are as ulcerated as mum’s were now and he is in just as much pain when i came in he was crying out in pain and although i’ve seen this all before back then i had support from a carer and was able to keep calm and manage the situation without concern that i might get things wrong as back then someone was always around to double check me but now its only me and i’m feeling that soon its going to be only me indefinitely.
Like always i’m on my own and i’m starting to get used to it the carer is to not having support from anyone and trying to muddle through because no one wants to listen or is able to help when i need it, i’m scared of getting unwell and then getting the blame yet again if dad isn’t looked after he will be safeguarded against me and i’ll never be able to be a hospital volunteer or anything else for that matter, but to be honest whats the point either way i’m never going to be right.
I’m trying hard not to let people down but i’m struggling to be a carer and do all the other things i used to do i’ve given up my hobbies i have no one that is interested anymore and i’m not that great at joining something new, I couldn’t afford my insurance for my photography this month so won’t be doing any of that for a while so that’s another thing that will end up in the cupboard dad is finally asleep the painkillers i’ve given him are helping for now but i’m praying that his pain don’t come back else i have nothing to help me.
I dare not give him Tramadol without someone else here as i can’t manage him on my own if something goes wrong when mum was unwell and in pain i have dad to help me now its just me, and whenever i call my brother he just says he’s busy or just call a ambulance! its Saturday afternoon and i’m sitting here watching over my dad to make sure something don’t happen. The care plan only covers a carer for 11 hours and no more that’s over week days only so weekends and evenings i’m on my own.
My chest is wheezing again but its how things go i don’t have time to go see someone as i have no one to keep an eye out for dad plus i don’t want him to be worrying about me and who will do things while i’m not here, plus he won’t allow anyone else in the house so i’ll just potter through like i’ve always done, just had the riot act read out to me by my brother he says i’m not lifting a finger to help dad and maybe i should get my priorities right instead of swanning off out every night.
So i’ve just told him that if he got his finger out his arse and started sniffing the shit he would see that i’m do all i can but maybe its not enough and maybe he is right like everyone else has been saying the past few weeks, maybe its time i called it quits thinking that i could be happy again and that i would find my dreams.
I know i’m probably going to upset Jenny but maybe its a good thing if i tell her to go find someone else then that will make dad happy and my brother, and then i will have time to be here every night to dad is on about cancelling his direct payments agreement with social services so that we don’t have carer cover anymore as he says he has me and don’t need anything else.
Maybe it was a silly idea me thinking i could find someone to love me now when i should have left things as they where mum and dad always said that because they looked after me a long time so i have to repay them now and look after them until they don’t need me then i can find someone, until then i have to do as is told they knew i would need help and support if i lived on my own because i don’t get any warning of when i might be unwell and for how long.
I just wish my world was normal but its not every day i wake up is yet another challenge and its not like i have any encouraging support anymore these days its each person for themselves and fuck the rest, i grow up in a special school where we where taught to look after others before ourselves and where life evolved around how you felt each day.
Where you learnt about all the health problems of all your friends and supported each other and where your disability wasn’t a limitation, No one will ever understand just how important Western Park was to me but i can’t explain it was truly a special school I wish so so badly i could afford a lasting memorial somewhere in memory of all the pupils and staff, past present and future that attend and worked at this special place over its lifetime.
I’m starting to think my life isn’t really worth anything and that regardless of what i do it will never be how i dreamed it to be, i watch people around me happy and enjoying things i sit in parks watching families enjoy their dreams and regret that i’ve made a mess of my life.
Sadly its never going to happen, Its highly unlikely i can ever have children and who really wants someone who can’t give a young lady what their have always dreamed of I don’t really have any friends and don’t feel a part of anything anymore, I hope Jenny has enjoyed herself this afternoon and she has gained her friends back she will need them if i’m not around.
I wish that young lady would just let me give her a cuddle and apologies for letting her down and promise to look after jenny for me i wish so days i didn’t feel like this dad keeps trying to get me to have something to eat with him but i’m bored of ready meals and i really don’t want to offend him by telling him i don’t want it.
I’ve had a bag of crisps today that’s enough for me, i’ll see if jenny is around tonight for a bit but if not i’ll take a walk around town for a bit i know she has been told at the centre she goes too to keep an eye on me and report back if something isn’t right but i really don’t need a baby sitter i just need to be left alone while i’m alone there is no one to blame if something happens and no one has regrets then either.