Lonely again

Its so quiet no one is answering my messages and its so quiet dad is sitting in the chair opposite me using his tablet computer looking up new cars, and constantly talking about what they can do and stuff and i really don’t want to know its going through one ear and out the other i have no interest in cars i have no interest i what he has to say today. I just want to chat to someone but no one is around i just want to find a place to hide myself away i truly wish this morning i hadn’t woken up like i do every night i hope that i don’t wake up that something goes wrong while i’m asleep and i slip away.

Life would just carry on and everything would be simple my brother would get his wish and dad would find another sucker to do his dirty work, life for me used to be so fun used to be something to look forward to now its all gone the young lady i’ve always fancied isn’t looking for a boyfriend and just wants to be friends so i get stuck with someone that says that if i go she will to someone that when you say something a few days later she has that problem to someone that is more of a challenge than most but just don’t seem to get it that my depression is a mix of lots of things and can’t be fixed by a cuddle or kiss and a present or three.

I only ever wanted 3 things in my life and so far i’ve not acheived any of them in fact so far all i seem to have done is found my fate a life of lonelyness and repaying my parents for the care they gave me while i was growing up as well as proving to my brother that he has always been right that it wasn’t worth me listening to the professionals in 2010 that said things will get better, because they didn’t and 8 years later my life is exactly as it was..

My Plan A and B where worked out by others and i decided to put them on a back burner but the other plans are still in my head and just like a nuclear warhead will go off if the right buttons are pressed, sadly jenny has just given me the tenth degree about her being bored and its my fault, as i’ve just told her please don’t start because i’m liable to tell you something you don’t want to hear.. My blog is my only way out now each hour of each day my mind is slowly eating away and being replaced by thoughts i don’t like.

The young lady i fancy the socks off listens to me she don’t judge me she talks to me as a person and a lifelong friend which makes me feel safe and secure yes i understand i’m not that diplimatic and i don’t always listen very well, but i care deeply about that young lady i care more about her than she realises and i would possible do anything she asked as long as she agree to be by my side if i have to go anywhere i’m no longer as confident as i used to be! i feel so so alone.


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