Its so quiet no one is answering my messages and its so quiet dad is sitting in the chair opposite me using his tablet computer looking up new cars, and constantly talking about what they can do and stuff and i really don’t want to know its going through one ear and out the other i have no interest in cars i have no interest i what he has to say today. I just want to chat to someone but no one is around i just want to find a place to hide myself away i truly wish this morning i hadn’t woken up like i do every night i hope that i don’t wake up that something goes wrong while i’m asleep and i slip away.
Life would just carry on and everything would be simple my brother would get his wish and dad would find another sucker to do his dirty work, life for me used to be so fun used to be something to look forward to now its all gone the young lady i’ve always fancied isn’t looking for a boyfriend and just wants to be friends so i get stuck with someone that says that if i go she will to someone that when you say something a few days later she has that problem to someone that is more of a challenge than most but just don’t seem to get it that my depression is a mix of lots of things and can’t be fixed by a cuddle or kiss and a present or three.
I only ever wanted 3 things in my life and so far i’ve not acheived any of them in fact so far all i seem to have done is found my fate a life of lonelyness and repaying my parents for the care they gave me while i was growing up as well as proving to my brother that he has always been right that it wasn’t worth me listening to the professionals in 2010 that said things will get better, because they didn’t and 8 years later my life is exactly as it was..
My Plan A and B where worked out by others and i decided to put them on a back burner but the other plans are still in my head and just like a nuclear warhead will go off if the right buttons are pressed, sadly jenny has just given me the tenth degree about her being bored and its my fault, as i’ve just told her please don’t start because i’m liable to tell you something you don’t want to hear.. My blog is my only way out now each hour of each day my mind is slowly eating away and being replaced by thoughts i don’t like.
The young lady i fancy the socks off listens to me she don’t judge me she talks to me as a person and a lifelong friend which makes me feel safe and secure yes i understand i’m not that diplimatic and i don’t always listen very well, but i care deeply about that young lady i care more about her than she realises and i would possible do anything she asked as long as she agree to be by my side if i have to go anywhere i’m no longer as confident as i used to be! i feel so so alone.
Today i have no carer again and no explination so far i’m starting to get really pissed off with this so far this week i’ve had a carer for two days her reason yesterday for not turning up was that she helped on tuesday to get dad to his hospital appointment and therefore it tired her out so much that she didn’t wake up until late, so far this morning i’ve done the hoovering of the lounge and stairs as well as washed up the pots from last night and this morning.
I can’t remember if i’ve taken my medication again so will no have them today like if didn’t yesterday i don’t think we have someone coming at 11 am to demonstrate a electric chair for dad so i bet i will end up totally fucked by 12 pm i informed social services of the lack of carer support and was reliably informed that it wasn’t their problem as the carers contract is not managed by them but by us and it is therefore up to us to do something about it.
And to be honest i don’t have the energy anymore to really care, my breakfast for this morning is 2 packets of salt and vinegar crisps and a glass of milk, yesterday dad got me to go out and get all the food he wanted for the next few days he told me to get what i wanted but their wasn’t anything i wanted only a packet of TUC biscuits so that’s what i got. it seems that this morning i’m on my lonesome again and up to now not a single person is answering my text messages or whatsapp messages so i’m on my own.
This is the worst thing about depression when i feel alone i’m truly alone and my thoughts of doing something stupid start taking control Jenny is trying to help but she seriously don’t understand and i really wish she would leave me to it, she said last night that if i do something stupid she would too i’m sorry but its up to her i really don’t care anymore and it don’t help that i worked out that i only have enough anti depressancts to last me until the end of May.
which means i either need to end everything now or find a way of sticking it out either way its getting harder and i know the bossman has said if i need anything i’m to just call, but its really not that easy, the young lady i’ve known a lot longer and i feel i can trust her more than anyone around me. I know that will probably stress her but i truthfully really trust her so so much more than anyone she really does seem to understand how it really feel, no one has ever done that.
Saying that i also truly have to apologies for any upset and embarrassment i cause you, this blog is my way out its my diary of my life and how i feel its a 100% frank look at life for someone like me, but i’m aware that this blog is offending people and to be honest you have two choices you can either read it or not, if you decided to continue to read it i thank you for your time and efforts and ask you to understand that what i put is the truth my thoughts and feeling in my words i don’t pull punches and i also don’t apologies for what is said.
If you decided that i’ve offended you then please with my compliments
GO DO ONE, AS YOUR OPINIONS ARE NOT WELCOME!!