Lonely world!

sometimes i just wish i didn’t feel like i was the only person in this world, i volunteered this morning even though dad was in so much pain and the carer didn’t turn in because she has her day off on a wednesday even thougth she only works weekdays and not weekends, i don’t get a carer at weekends never have had according to the SS dad doesn’t need someone at weekend as i’m here but as always they forget i have health conditions that make me unwell if i’m stressed or i over do it.

Regardless of this they don’t listen dad gets the age old quote that the social fund is designed to help the most needed members of the community and cannot be used or abused just because members of the immediate family don’t feel it to be a role that their should be doing! this morning i was torn between leaving dad to go volunteering or stay home and sit and watch him all day as he has been in serious pain with his osteoarthritis in his back and knees and hips all day.

He assured me that he would be OK and that i needed to uphold my promise to mum to go volunteering whenever i can, when i asked for a scale of pain he said it was an 8 out of 10 which is quite bad. but he insisted that i left him to it and should he need me he would call, i never got that call but when i returned home at 1 pm he was sitting crying in the chair telling me that i’m always out and don’t care whats wrong with him as long as i’m out with my friends, swanning around making myself look good.

And because i didn’t argue i just went upstairs and got changed and sat upstairs filling in a form i was given yesterday he seriously got pissed off and started shouting something or other by the time i returned downstairs an hour later he was fast asleep in the chair yet again, up to now i just feel like i’m on my own, the district nurse left a message on my phone saying that when she came this morning my father was in pain with a scale of 10 out of 10 and this is not acceptable and she would be seeking further advise on whether to safeguard him against me as she spoken to him and he advised her that i’d just gone out to the hospital to volunteer without considering whether he needed pain relief or not.

That isn’t the case but i’ve lost the fight i used to have and if she decides to take it further i don’t plan to defend myself as there is no really point! I was thinking about handing in my notice at the hospitals anyway then he can’t say i’m off out all the time because i won’t have anywhere to go, up to now i’ve stopped doing almost everything i used to do because i feel like i’m letting him down all the time and he keep throwing the same words at me that “me and your mum looked after you when you wasn’t able to look after yourself, now you owe us” its a lonely world for me since my meeting yesterday the young lady isn’t talking to me nor is anyone else.

I’ve received a warning for “backchat” with a receptionist this morning i’m not a fucking cleaner i’m a hospital volunteer just because someone shit all over the floor at a reception desk, its not my job to clean it up, its the job of a Rapid response Cleaning team which can take up to 90 minutes to turn up. I told the receptionist something similar to “i’m sorry i’m not paid to clean, in fact i’m not paid at all” her words where “you will do at your told while your at my desk” Some of these new receptionists need to get off their fucking high horses and learn what the word VOLUNTEER really means, next week i intend to take her a fucking dictionary so she can look the fucking word up.

The reason i gained a warning was because i got rather sarcastic which i do when i’m mad and basically told her to go and do one, which i think the thick cow didn’t quite get!

So for most of this afternoon i’ve been sitting in the chair opposite dad just observing him and making sure he’s OK when i came in at 1 pm he was just taking two co-codeomal tablets, i wish i had someone to chat to but although people say they are there if i want them when it comes to it i feel guilty interrupting them in their work just because i feel so alone! The postman has just delivered a letter from my GP which says they are performing a review of all medication which they consider as nonessensational and therefore because of funding cuts within their practice will no longer be providing on prescription, Anti-depressants and Calcium replacement medication which has just made my fucking day.

The anti depressant currently keeps me from jumping off multi story car parks for a living, so it seems that when my current supply runs out i will have to find “non drug based alternatives” so i lose out yet again and my depression roans my life yet again.

Just like always and yet again friends i’ve just gained will disappear into the woodwork and leave me to it!

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