What will B?

I can’t sleep again! I started plan B nearly a week ago slowly reducing my medication over time leaving my body with no way of protecting itself against infections, a long draw out way but less of a noticeable change and easier to manage Plus faster to reverse should the need occur.

I feel just so alone I have no one that believes in my anymore I’m useful when I’m needed and pushed to one side when I’m not? I’ve had years to practice the art of covering up how I feel and what people see, as long as I’m smiling no one really cares anyway but behind the cover is a person that just wants something I’ll never find! Someone to believe in me instead of constantly putting me down for anything which isn’t what others want.

These days all I get when I mention doing anything other than being loyal to the charity I’ve been a trustee for for the past 30 years is “why are you helping organisations that are hit and miss that have no idea or no future”.

My reason is because I believe in the work they are doing is helping people like me in a little way to make a difference no matter how small and although my skills and knowledge aren’t that easy for me to access these days without lots of support. I feel a part of something which is more than I’ve ever done!

Yeh no one would care one little bit if I was here or not social service certainly wouldn’t all they would do is increase the financial contribution dad makes for his 13.5 hours of care over 5 days or force him to sell the property we live in and move him into council living until his funds from the sale are exhursted then dwindle his care down to nothing.

And I would be left to fight my way through a system that completely confuses me and to be honest scares the fucking shit out of me, since I was 5 years old I’ve been in receipt of FLA (disability living allowance) paid to me once a month to cover mainly my mobility needs and my moderate care needs which when I’m unwell I require almost constant support with and when I’m well I still require help with, I know nothing else up until dad becoming unwell he was my care now I’m alone and I’m scared!

I have no help? My money I receive monthly currently pays for my car and what’s left pays for the outstanding debts that I accumulate from 8 years ago when I lost everything because I trusted my heart, I get my care money today of £220 And by lunchtime I’ll be in overdraft of -£58.20 And by tomorrow -£279 and thanks to my past I’m permanently blacklisted for credit or loans.

The income support I receive every two weeks covers my outstanding bills and the banks overdraft charges which i accumulate every month regardless of what i do.

My savings are what I earn from occasional computer repairs i do for people but isnt regular anymore as people have died or moved away and I’m no longer allowed to give our address out to people purely because of the risk of crime and the fact that dad is on his own now when I get to go out.

I know that sooner or later the PIPs men are going to come knocking and I’ll be reassessed as not meeting the requirements and then I lose everything and like now all my support goes and I gain the told you so freaks instead my brother being the first to say that his belief that people like me should be given a sentence to death for fleecing him through the government of his hard earned cash a worthy penalty.

So you see my decision is the best all around, I once had dreams of making it big and giving something back to people that once helped and supported me when I needed it but now look down on me like shit on there shoes trying like crazy to get me off them before anyone notices.

I had dreams of getting married and having a family finding a beautiful woman i could care about instead of feeling like I’m just a accident dummy that once used will be thrown out to one side and left to it. Jenny has done that twice already but she believes that I’ve forgiven her regardless of anything I say or do the minute she floods the car with tears I give in and give her a third chance just like before I know deep inside be blamed by her friends for roaning her life and I’d never forgive myself for that.

The young lady I truly would love to spend my life with just wants to be friends she isn’t a looking and sadly I wish I knew why? From the very first day I met her right until present day I still feel the same, her personality, gorgeous smile, beautiful body and constant fight I totally adore and I don’t care if she knows about it! I have no reason to hide anymore I won’t be around long enough to take the backlash from what I’ve said and she will be able to move on knowing this idiot and loser of a man called Glynn had a crush and a dream which she safely avoided because she had no intention of giving him a chance.

And just like my past in all I do I’m a failure and fool, I upset people and hence why most walk away throughout my lifetime I’ve paid for friendships at one time it ways £20 Plus a day and up until mum dying it was £50 and I’d find the cash by doing computer repairs to make it seem like I had friends, when in truth I had nothing I was as lonely then as I am now. Plan B is a slow but good idea people can get on with their lives not having to remember anything of me.

I grow up promising to give back to those that gave me a chance to change things for others I never achieved that all I did was roan people’s lives and get people’s backs up all the time.

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