My plan B is scrapped as of now but not forgotten, it don’t fix how i’m feeling it just means i have to ride through it a take the fate that life throws at me i go out from 1.30pm and came home at 3.45pm the first thing dad says is “where the fuck have you been, i’m sure you go out just to get out my way” he don’t know the half! “if you have been to see Jenny then i don’t care what you do as long as you never bring her within 10 foot of this house” “she needs a bleedy good thump and some sense knocking into her”, by that response he’s not happy but as usual all i say is OK whatever and go upstairs to my room where i’m typing this blog now.
Unfortunately for Jenny now he has said all that i know she will never ever be accepted into this family just like others before her, and if he see’s her anywhere or i bring her here she will do as he has stated and i just have to stand and watch else i receive the same for fit. It makes me sad that whoever i meet will never be accepted and will receive the same fate regardless of who they are.
How do i tell Jenny that i can’t see her anymore because its to dangerous for her to be around me, regardless of whether i love her or not its a case of do as your told or go, but i have nowhere to go and would lose everything as well as make myself unwell in the process, the young lady that was my friend i think i’ve lost and its all my own fault. The bossman has had a chat with me and made sure i’m aware that he is aware to, thank you for your concern but i’m unsure on what to do as no one has ever been concerned about me in my whole life!
I know you are reading my blog and have concerns but trust me your chat will sink in sooner or later, unfortunately for now my mindset is still the same but without plan b the high dose medication should kick in sooner or later but for now i’m stuck with how i am.
Please Please i hope i haven’t lost the other person i trust she just keeps me from going over that edge enough when jenny isn’t around and as it is jenny don’t seem to understand the reason or the fact that depression is a part of my life and will rear its ugly head many times in the future.
I’m scared i’ve lost my new best friend because of what i’ve put on this blog she says i’ve not upset her but i feel i have and i don’t know how to fix it. I’m still unsure what the going rate is for friends these days!
I’m going out tonight to a meeting and i’m glad really its to cold to be sitting in a car park on my lonesome but now jenny wants to come and although she really don’t seem to understand whats going on at this minute in my mind she is good company and a laugh.