Daily Archives: 6 Feb 2018

Thanks to a couple of people!

My plan B is scrapped as of now but not forgotten, it don’t fix how i’m feeling it just means i have to ride through it a take the fate that life throws at me i go out from 1.30pm and came home at 3.45pm the first thing dad says is “where the fuck have you been, i’m sure you go out just to get out my way” he don’t know the half! “if you have been to see Jenny then i don’t care what you do as long as you never bring her within 10 foot of this house” “she needs a bleedy good thump and some sense knocking into her”, by that response he’s not happy but as usual all i say is OK whatever and go upstairs to my room where i’m typing this blog now.

Unfortunately for Jenny now he has said all that i know she will never ever be accepted into this family just like others before her, and if he see’s her anywhere or i bring her here she will do as he has stated and i just have to stand and watch else i receive the same for fit. It makes me sad that whoever i meet will never be accepted and will receive the same fate regardless of who they are.

How do i tell Jenny that i can’t see her anymore because its to dangerous for her to be around me, regardless of whether i love her or not its a case of do as your told or go, but i have nowhere to go and would lose everything as well as make myself unwell in the process, the young lady that was my friend i think i’ve lost and its all my own fault. The bossman has had a chat with me and made sure i’m aware that he is aware to, thank you for your concern but i’m unsure on what to do as no one has ever been concerned about me in my whole life!

I know you are reading my blog and have concerns but trust me your chat will sink in sooner or later, unfortunately for now my mindset is still the same but without plan b the high dose medication should kick in sooner or later but for now i’m stuck with how i am.

Please Please i hope i haven’t lost the other person i trust she just keeps me from going over that edge enough when jenny isn’t around and as it is jenny don’t seem to understand the reason or the fact that depression is a part of my life and will rear its ugly head many times in the future.

I’m scared i’ve lost my new best friend because of what i’ve put on this blog she says i’ve not upset her but i feel i have and i don’t know how to fix it. I’m still unsure what the going rate is for friends these days!

I’m going out tonight to a meeting and i’m glad really its to cold to be sitting in a car park on my lonesome but now jenny wants to come and although she really don’t seem to understand whats going on at this minute in my mind she is good company and a laugh.

3 blogs in 3 hours?

Already in 3 hours I’ve typed 3 blog entries this isn’t good! My mind won’t rest and what don’t help is I have a erection the size of a pen and as thick as a cotton reel. And I can’t stop cumming it’s doing my head in but it’s the price I pay for medication that wasn’t tested when I started taking it nearly 39 yrs ago.

I wish I’d taken the chemical castration when I was given the option in 1997 it would have stopped this but would have stopped me ever having a dream of getting married and having a family to but then again dreams like that are for good people worthy people which I’m not even anywhere close.

Sadly this erection will be here all day now so hope I can hide it and I don’t come into contact with any women wearing dresses and tights today else my embarrassment levels will be higher than ever and I’ll be as red faced and trying to find the fastest exit as soon as is physically possible, funny to most it’s something I’ve received constant comments about from the opposite sex for years.

The jokes of I see your please to see me or can I hold that for you! Aren’t funny and that’s why I tend not to stay around long at places.

Beliefs

This might read as a odd entry but I feel I need to type up what my beliefs are and why? As so many like to judge me on things they know nothing about or understand.

So now you will my list below is as random and confused as my head is all the time my short term memory means I cannot remember anything of my last blog 10 or 15 minutes after I’ve typed it so it’s a challenge all the time at present a challenge I’m tyring with!

  1. I believe that a young lady sho5be treated as a young lady she grows up battling her body and mind and that of others around her, and therefore deserve to be treated well, loved and cared about instead of used and abused?
  2. I don’t believe that in treating others differently just because they understand something different to you!
  3. I believe that everyone is equal regardless of their ethictistity.
  4. I believe that those with disabilities like myself should be treated equally and with respect for their knowledge and skills regardless of the limitations that they encounter.
  5. I believe in karma! What goes around, comes around? (Do unto others what they do unto you, then fuck off before the police get there?
  6. I believe that a woman deserves to be treated as a princess always, a man should open doors for her, offer her a seat, pay for her, but her flowers and gifts!
  7. I don’t believe in porn or anything that degrades others for commercial gain or pleasure.
  8. I don’t believe that you are born to be bad.
  9. I believe in giving others a chance?
  10. I believe in respect for the dead and that you die and your spirit lives on and watches over those that they once loved while they lived so as to guide them through until your end.
  11. I don’t believe there is a god.
  12. And I don’t care if I upset people or not, should those people not like what they hear or read then they shouldn’t be around you from the start.
  13. I believe that no one gives anything without expecting something in return
  14. I don’t believe in gambling or betting.
  15. I believe in giving always regardless of the amount and not expecting something in return.
  16. I believe that in a relationship bodily contact was meant to be and that holding hand, cuddling and kissing and sx should be soon as a acceptance of your commitment to each other.
  17. I believe that loving someone means loyalty and happiness in good times and bad.

If I’ve upset anyone then I’m sorry? This is me!

What will B?

I can’t sleep again! I started plan B nearly a week ago slowly reducing my medication over time leaving my body with no way of protecting itself against infections, a long draw out way but less of a noticeable change and easier to manage Plus faster to reverse should the need occur.

I feel just so alone I have no one that believes in my anymore I’m useful when I’m needed and pushed to one side when I’m not? I’ve had years to practice the art of covering up how I feel and what people see, as long as I’m smiling no one really cares anyway but behind the cover is a person that just wants something I’ll never find! Someone to believe in me instead of constantly putting me down for anything which isn’t what others want.

These days all I get when I mention doing anything other than being loyal to the charity I’ve been a trustee for for the past 30 years is “why are you helping organisations that are hit and miss that have no idea or no future”.

My reason is because I believe in the work they are doing is helping people like me in a little way to make a difference no matter how small and although my skills and knowledge aren’t that easy for me to access these days without lots of support. I feel a part of something which is more than I’ve ever done!

Yeh no one would care one little bit if I was here or not social service certainly wouldn’t all they would do is increase the financial contribution dad makes for his 13.5 hours of care over 5 days or force him to sell the property we live in and move him into council living until his funds from the sale are exhursted then dwindle his care down to nothing.

And I would be left to fight my way through a system that completely confuses me and to be honest scares the fucking shit out of me, since I was 5 years old I’ve been in receipt of FLA (disability living allowance) paid to me once a month to cover mainly my mobility needs and my moderate care needs which when I’m unwell I require almost constant support with and when I’m well I still require help with, I know nothing else up until dad becoming unwell he was my care now I’m alone and I’m scared!

I have no help? My money I receive monthly currently pays for my car and what’s left pays for the outstanding debts that I accumulate from 8 years ago when I lost everything because I trusted my heart, I get my care money today of £220 And by lunchtime I’ll be in overdraft of -£58.20 And by tomorrow -£279 and thanks to my past I’m permanently blacklisted for credit or loans.

The income support I receive every two weeks covers my outstanding bills and the banks overdraft charges which i accumulate every month regardless of what i do.

My savings are what I earn from occasional computer repairs i do for people but isnt regular anymore as people have died or moved away and I’m no longer allowed to give our address out to people purely because of the risk of crime and the fact that dad is on his own now when I get to go out.

I know that sooner or later the PIPs men are going to come knocking and I’ll be reassessed as not meeting the requirements and then I lose everything and like now all my support goes and I gain the told you so freaks instead my brother being the first to say that his belief that people like me should be given a sentence to death for fleecing him through the government of his hard earned cash a worthy penalty.

So you see my decision is the best all around, I once had dreams of making it big and giving something back to people that once helped and supported me when I needed it but now look down on me like shit on there shoes trying like crazy to get me off them before anyone notices.

I had dreams of getting married and having a family finding a beautiful woman i could care about instead of feeling like I’m just a accident dummy that once used will be thrown out to one side and left to it. Jenny has done that twice already but she believes that I’ve forgiven her regardless of anything I say or do the minute she floods the car with tears I give in and give her a third chance just like before I know deep inside be blamed by her friends for roaning her life and I’d never forgive myself for that.

The young lady I truly would love to spend my life with just wants to be friends she isn’t a looking and sadly I wish I knew why? From the very first day I met her right until present day I still feel the same, her personality, gorgeous smile, beautiful body and constant fight I totally adore and I don’t care if she knows about it! I have no reason to hide anymore I won’t be around long enough to take the backlash from what I’ve said and she will be able to move on knowing this idiot and loser of a man called Glynn had a crush and a dream which she safely avoided because she had no intention of giving him a chance.

And just like my past in all I do I’m a failure and fool, I upset people and hence why most walk away throughout my lifetime I’ve paid for friendships at one time it ways £20 Plus a day and up until mum dying it was £50 and I’d find the cash by doing computer repairs to make it seem like I had friends, when in truth I had nothing I was as lonely then as I am now. Plan B is a slow but good idea people can get on with their lives not having to remember anything of me.

I grow up promising to give back to those that gave me a chance to change things for others I never achieved that all I did was roan people’s lives and get people’s backs up all the time.