I had two plans to make it so I leave this world with the minimal fuss and so people don’t click on to what I’m up to, but plan A failed before it started because that young lady I fancy clicked on to it?
So plan B is already in motion and although will take longer it will have very little noticeable changes other than that of me becoming gradually more unwell, the only drawback is that i could end up worst than I started if someone picks up on it. But no one really cares anyway so it don’t matter.
I feel so down and alone again I just don’t want to be here I miss mum and feel like I have nothing left to be a part of I don’t feel useful. My head is killing again and I keep tripping over and losing my balance a lot I’ve had a bag of crisps to eat and a bottle of water to drink to see if that helps but I would rather take plan B that I set in motion a few weeks ago.
It’s the best way out!
Yesterday I finally tried to explain how I felt to the young lady sadly i failed yet again she said she isn’t looking for a boyfriend but is happy to be friends. I’ve never had a friend in my life well not one I’ve not had to pay. Yes even at uni if I wanted to be part of the crowd I always paid £20 to each person who was with me so it looked good else I’d billy no mates because I didn’t drink or smoke or take risks people avoided me like the plague.
Although when it came to getting there work in on time I was always the one that did it for them or else! That ended up were I was alway late in with mine but no one ever helped me and when they graduated I gained a year extension.
I always wanted a best friend but never had one now I have I don’t know what to do I’m afraid I’ll mess up ill say or do something wrong! What’s the going rate I’ve been alone nearly 23 yrs. I don’t go cinema or bowling. Instead I spend my days and nights working from behind a computer screen. Designing websites and scripts and apps. That no one will ever see I’ve got used to it I’m afraid I’ll mess up and lose something I’ve gained.
The young lady I fancy like crazy I wonder if she will all allow me to treat her nice if she will allow me to give her a cuddle ever so often if she will let me hold her hand. I’m sorry I still think she is the most beautiful sexy loving woman I’ve ever met in my whole life. I wish she would give me a chance I wish she would get over her fears and just give me a chance I promise on my life I could and would treat her like the true princess she is and I’d really enjoy it.
But hey!! I’m so scared to chat to her now in case I lose her like I lose everything in my life. If she stays my friend more than a week I will be shocked no one has ever done that but how will I know!! I have no idea?