Daily Archives: 3 Feb 2018

I’m on my own!

Its time to start covering up again i’ve upset so many people that no one wants to know i’m sorry i keep pestering people i’m sorry i bore people and i’m sorry i fail on so many things, those people that know what its like to be in the same world as me know how easy it is to want to give up i don’t have a support network of friends i just have me.

I wish i didn’t feel like this i wish i didn’t feel so alone i wish i had someone to trust someone who cared about me but i don’t so i’ll just continue to do what i’m doing and just keep quiet i thought i’d found someone that understood me someone could help me out of my depression but i was wrong i’m in it alone and its all my fault.

I’m going down mums grave to put some flowers there and have a chat with mum because although she isn’t here she listened to me when no one else did? i miss her i miss having a friend! I thought the young lady i fancy would understand but know she is ignoring me because i’m a waste of time. I would love to hold her and just have her around me, her presents calms me i feel safe around her i don’t feel like i’m so alone when she is around.

Keep thinking!

My mind won’t rest I keep feeling that I’ve lost the one young lady that I trust so dam much she knows if I’m not quite being me and whether or not my mind is playing tricks.

I just feel alone I feel I’ve lost the person that I trust the most the young lady that makes me feel nice inside. I don’t want her to leave me now I trust her so much she goes quiet on me and i start worrying that i’m in the shit again.

It’s the same at home! Dad was discharged from hospital was a diagnosis of chronic heart failure due to age he has fluid aquimilating around the whole of his body and heart the same as mum did.

It’s starting to feel like I’m to blame he even said that maybe I should start caring more for him than I do others then all this wouldn’t have happened, I feel I failed to care for him right just like I did me and look where she is now!

I fail everyone even the young beautiful woman that I fancy so dam much and wanted to get close to don’t want to know me! My world is a lonely one! I failed like always all I got yesterday constantly when sarah wasn’t around is “you made this happen, if you had kept me mobile and stayed with me more I would be like this now” when the specialist registrar ask him if we need any extra help at home? Dad replied NO my son will stop doing things for others and concentrate of more on our stuff.

I do already! I made a excuse I was doing training at the hospital the other day just so I could go out and meet the young lady. The young lady I want to keep meeting! He knows of the promise mum made me make before she died. That I wouldn’t give up my volunteering at the hospitals and that I would train in anything and everything just so I stay volunteering.

But there is only so much you can do, and sooner or later he will click! That young lady was the only person that seemed to understand me but I lost her to yeh I know I fancy her like crazy and would love her to at least give me a chance no one else seems to!

I’m sorry for making you feel uncomfortable I’m sorry for being the loser I am I’m sorry I’m a failure I’m sorry I’m how I am, I stop taking some of my meds yesterday and my evening drugs to I want to see if it makes a difference or if my 43 years stop. Either way I failed everyone like always so who cares?

The young lady I fancy has even given up on me? Just like others before her yes I fancy her and that’s what meant I trust her more than anyone but she hates me I roamed any chance I might have had! I so wanted to ask her out and for her to say yes? I so wanted to hold her and kiss her! But no instead I push her away just like everyone before.

I failed dad, I failed mum, and now I failed her! The say history always returns with vengeance to get its own back!