I’ve had to call a Dr to dad! his legs are hot and more swollen that they were plus now his thighs are swollen to and he is finding it more difficult to get around he is more tired than normally, a district nurse has visited already and has confirmed my thoughts that the cellulitis has returned with vengeance and the antibiotics that he has been taking aren’t working.
When myself and Sarah went up to the Dr’s surgery and talked to them they where happy that the symptoms we were describing were requiring a Dr to visit and possibly send dad to hospital to get the infection under control, All dads General observations are normal the one thing i did learn to do correctly over the time of looking after mum was general observations.
But something isn’t right and i don’t want to feel guilty for not doing something and something happens, Dr has just come and dad is going into hospital for further medications.
Today I wake up with a blank mind I have nothing to show for my life I’ve failed on all my dreams I’ve achieved nothing to make anyone proud. My life is a mess I’m 43 and I really don’t care if I even get to 44 I’ve started to drop my medication doses to see if that changes anything. It’s either going to help or make it so 44 is only a number!
I used to wake up smiling and looking forward to the day now I just wake and wish I hadn’t, I’m looking for a way out or a reason to focus my life.
I don’t want to eat I feel sick when I do I just want to sit with someone I trust and find a solution and stop feeling so alone, I don’t have the get up and go no more I’ve learnt to put up a cover, if family ask I’m ok it seems only a few can see under the cover but I really only trust one.
Yesterday I met the most beautiful, most caring and loving woman I’ve ever met in my whole life yet I still couldn’t tell how I felt about her because I was to scared I’d get the same response as I’ve always got?
Instead I cowardly put my head in my hands and just looked down. When in fact all I wanted to do is go somewhere quiet with her and kiss and cuddle her and hold her tight and tell her how I felt about her. Sometimes I feel a total fraud I hate being me I don’t know how to just stand up And say something I used to be able to do anything it’s a fact that no one has ever been proud of anything I’ve done ever!! Only mum? But she’s gone now and I end up as lonely as I’ve always been.
And now I’m lumbered with jenny because she fired up the sob store and sprikerly system that she was sorry and she won’t do it again and that she will do something stupid if I don’t take her back and she can easily get me in trouble because I’m taking advantage of a vonrable adult who struggles to make her own decisions.
She isn’t as thick as she looks but I really don’t trust her after what she did! It’s not like it was the first time it was the second! She says if I do she will start coming down my home and ringing the door bell until I let her in then she won’t leave until I say yes. I can’t deal with it she says she understands but she don’t.
I don’t want her and have a chance in hell of ever asking the other young lady and her saying yes? So now I’m looking for a fast way out of everything I don’t want this world I’m living in. I’d love to go somewhere were the young lady I trust is and just sit and slowly talk to her about how I feel about things including her.
And have the confidence to ask her what I want to ask her and for her to say yes for her to be proud of me for even getting there and for her to give me that cuddle and kisses I want so much.
I truly trust her she seems to know how I feel without me saying. I hide behind my sarcastic banter and rude jokes she knows the look I have what I’m upto no good! When all I want is to hve a laugh. She also knows that if I’m quiet then there is something wrong and will keep pursuing things until I spill the beans, she knows me?
And the thing is she can always keep me smiling and I know deep inside that whatever pain or upset she has I could easily keep her smiling to, a cosy cuddle and long kiss as well as just someone to feel nice around is all you need. I just wish I had that? But I don’t!
Childish thing yesterday was that I so wanted to play footsy with her under the tablet just to feel her close to me.
I would have turned a pale shade of green if she had notices my flagpole was up! It was just one of those days to cover him up and not take my coat off?.