Daily Archives: 1 Feb 2018

Wanted to say a lot!

Been to meet someone this afternoon but really don’t know if i can trust that person anymore i feel i’ve been setup and this person was someone i really really did trust, reluctantly i gave jenny a third chance at lunch time but i really don’t trust her and shes been ringing and texting ever since, now i’ve just have a message from her telling me i don’t care, and as i’ve just said to her to be honest i couldn’t give a flying fuck its stressing me out and i don’t need it constantly running through my head about her calling me to say what had happened with her and Danny.

I used to care i really don’t now i got asked this afternoon what i’m planning to do i feel like calling it quits i feel like no one is interested i feel like i’m hitting a brick wall all the time, i feel like i’ve been used for a purpose and now i’m not needed, i’ve been thrown away because i won’t do as i’m told.

I don’t care about what my dad has done or thinks, he’s my dad he’s the only person that has stook by me even when i tried last time to commit suicide he is really demanding and hard work but thats what happens when you get older and less mobile thats what happens when you own someone your life, you have to repay them in full until their don’t need your help anymore.

just to keep everyone happy i’m eating some cold sumosus, the reason i’m not eating is because everything tastes the same and over time that gets really boring. I really wanted to tell the perosn i met this afternoon how i felt about them but couldn’t and that made me feel worse because that person i really like, I really don’t know if i can trust them now but they seems to know how i feel and understand me.

I wanted to give this person a cuddle but couldn’t i didn’t know how to ask i didn’t know what to say they looked stuning though but i couldn’t say that either i just sat with my head in my hands again. So now i have to stick with Jenny because she isn’t going to leave me now she says if i finish with her she will do something stupid because no one want her, but if she didn’t keep burning her bridges that may not have happened.

She is never to blame for anything but everyone else seems to be, its getting old news and i’m getting as bored as other have with her, she deserves Danny he made her happy, he gave her what she wanted and in the end she has offended so many people i know i can’t get her out of the shit anymore.

Why is it that when i want to find someone who makes me happy i pick duff merchandise, I wanted to ask that young lady out again but i feel so defeated after today that i know before i start what the response with be, but that person i can chat to and know and feel that something different and that they sort of understand how i feel. o well!!

Such a gorgeous young lady and i can’t even get the words together to even tell her face to face how i feel because i know exactly what she will say, just like everyone else ever said, “Go fuck off” no wonder that person is always busy and don’t want to reply to me.

So now i have to have jenny with me every night, will have to find other ways of looking for places to sit quiet. just want some down time. I can’t remember if i took my meds this morning but it don’t matter there is always anothing day and the day after that and the day after that, every day is the same nothing changes.

Dads on about getting a WILL draw up but don’t want me around when he does it, i have this feeling that if he leaves anything to me that if my brother and his wife decided to bully me then i can’t be arsed to fight and i’ll leave them to it..

Hopefully by then though i will be long gone, another life someone else my past not even a memory, because my memory is failing so much these days, I missed a meeting yesterday and told dad i was going to some training at the hospital this afternoon just so i could get out unfortunately when i returned i got the same guilt trip that Jenny gives me and i don’t have the energy to even argue now its not worth it, whatever he says he’s going to be right and not even listen to me so why waste it.

I wish i drank because i’d drop as much as i can down my throat, lucky for the pubs and off licences i’m 100% tea total.

Reluctantly?

Reluctantly me and jenny are back together but with loads of conditions for her to do and 1 last chance? The stress of knowing what she did has been getting to me.

Just got up!

It’s 8.25 am I’ve just got up got my volunteering uniform on and come down to find dad fast asleep in the chair. It’s cold again so that would tell me he’s been up early and switched the heating off again. But it’s pointless putting it back on as it goes off on timer at 9 am.

Went into the kitchen and the pots were stacked up again I washed them before I went bed at 10.30 pm so reten he’s had a party over night that I wasn’t invited to yet again, I’ve washed them up again now it’s bin day so I’ve also been out the back and took the wheelie bins up to the gate and then unlocked the gate.

I’ve also been out the front and unlocked the side gates to our courtyard so the bin men can get around to the gate, I’ve took the laundry out the dryer and folded it and also took it upstairs and put it away. He’s still asleep Sarah’s meant to be coming today but I understand dad gave her permission to bring her 3 month old grandson with her so she won’t be doing anything today just sitting drinking tea.

When I finish volunteering at 11 am I’ll come back and Hoover the lounge and stairs and if I have time I might clean the kitchen worktops, I’m meant to be meeting the young lady at 2.30 pm dad thinks I’m going for hospital training it’s my only way of getting out! He’s just woken up and asked if I’ve done the bins.

Can’t remember if I’ve had my meds but hey it won’t matter. People think I’m going to do something stupid. I’ve been doing that for years so nothing to worry about really. I’m probably going to get the third degree from the young lady this afternoon but I don’t care I’ve got used to it now.

I just want so time out but everytime I try I’m wanted for something else but what would I do anyway I have nothing and no one?

My own fault for trusting people!!