Was thinking about valentines all the crap that is in the stores and all the suckers that fall for it. In my whole lifetime I never ever received one. And the first ever one I send the other year to the young lady I fancy gained me a response which expressed in no uncertain terms that it wasn’t welcomed.

The same response I got when I text looking for someone to chat to yesterday while I was just wondering around fosse park. I realise now that she waste asking me what I wanted from life! But asking what the he’ll I wanted her for as she was busy and didn’t have the time to waste chatting to me.

It’s becoming a lonely world last night I went and visited mum for an hour before the cemetery closed! I apologised to her for being a let down to the family over the years and thanked her for always covering my back when my brother and dad felt it right to make a show of how much I let everyone down.

Like yesterday afternoon constantly talking about all the years they did different family activities and I was to unwell to be a part of them and how that meant mum wasn’t always interested in them but preferred to support me instead and how that wasted pressure time that my brother could have had with mum to!!

He was right 100%? The cemetery closed at 6pm so I drove down to watermead and parked the car outside on one of the side streets nearby and walked my way along the footpath to the pontone on John merick lake and just sat there it was really cold? But all the people I’d tried to message because I felt so down and just wanted to chat absolutely no one replied, on my own like always.

It’s really peacefully at night at the lake? The only person that even questioned my presents was the park ranger who just asked if I was enjoying the fireflys dancing along the lake? Fuck knows what he was talking about? But hundred him anyway? I ended up staying there for nearly 90 minutes so quiet no one bothered me other than traffic in the background. I made a note to added to my plan.

The young lady will be glad and released to know I won’t be sending no one valentines this year!! Never sent a valentine in my lifetime up until that one and never will again but also never received one either. Only a love heart with red dye in it that my brother sent one year! I opened the wrap one year of this present I was so happy to have received only for it to explored in my face and for him and his mates to sit laughing their eyes out at me for the next few hours passing comments about spastics and freaks.

Just need to work out if the other place near keyham lane is quieter than watermead and how long before someone comes by nosing around. I was at watermead nearly an hour before the ranger turned up!!

Anything longer than that is a bonus? I worked out that making people believe I’m fine is so easy that most bar one (the young lady) don’t click I’m not!! It’s like she is interested but isn’t if you get me!! It don’t matter though she made things clearer that soup no means no she isn’t looking??

And mind you who really want to hold me or chat to me I have nothing in common. I don’t get invited to take photos anymore at the centres events at least that gave me time out. Maybe my brother and dad are right I was a failure at that to? The only good thing I do is fail!! The profession I choose to take after uni means I work alone behind a screen only known as the Blackhawk on forums and websites online, trying to do good against all the bad!! To protect people from the not so good and I’m still a failure in that.

I know I won’t text the young lady again and that will please her I’m meant to be having a supervison with someone somewhere I think but can’t dam remember with who and about what? But hey at least people have something to gossip about.

I really don’t know why I’m wasting my efforts trying to persuade that young lady to love more or even consider me but something inside says she’s worth the effort worth the fight. I’m not interested in momentary value or popularity stakes I’m interested in giving her heart and body a feeling of endless love and what she deserves plenty of cuddles and kisses and someone to hold when the days are shit ones.

Maybe I wouldn’t feel so worthless and alone if I had her at my side but may as well forget it!

Need to find two other quiet places. I’m volunteering today well meant to be but might go for a drive instead!! Will see how I feel?

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