Today i don’t feel that great i feel that to many people are assuming and that everyone has their eyes on my to make sure i fail, I met Jenny again last night and i took her to her monday club she didn’t want to go but once she was there her eyes lit up and that smile was there again.
The smile i remember of her having fun everyone around her assumed i took that away that i controlled her but i didn’t i don’t care who she goes with and what she does as long as she is safe and not being used, i understand she has in some peoples eyes moved backwards rather than forward i totally agree! I miss her constantly telling me the new things she is learning and enjoying i miss that feeling of pride she still believes we are together like things where but i’m sorry i can’t feel like that anymore.
Yes i miss her but she hurt me she made me relive a past i wanted to forget she did something that made me feel used yet again i’m happy to be friends and to meet her when i can but its not like it was! Danny is meeting the young lady i like today i bet he will be talking all about my appearance with jenny last night but maybe he needs to stop the assuming and start living in the really world where a apology a second time or third time means a broken nose in my book.
Tomorrow i’m volunteering again i bet i’m going to be warned yet again to stop doing something or advised that I can’t work where jenny is working, why do people asssume that i will do the work for others yeh its so easy to direct people around Leicester’s Hosptials and yeh i have been there a very long time but my role as Meet n Greet isn’t as fun as it used to be, i hate the new coordinator Rosa! She has no understand of my problems and my challenges she treats everyone the same and yes that is ok but change is a challenge for someone like me!!!
I much prefer my original coordinator and the person that perswaded me to become a volunteer in the begining i used to be a very proud UHL volunteer now i just sometimes wish the day would be over before it starts but i would miss working in the hospitals i would miss the challenges patients and visitors put up for us to solve.
I’m in a lonely world now and i just do things just because, i want to go do some more photography for the centre but can’t because my insurance has ran out and i can’t afford to pay for it until the end of next month, its only £48 for the year but as of today i only have 56p in my bank again and 26p in my pocket, and two red reminders for unpaid bills which came through the post yesterday.
I feel so alone i feel that my world has gone i have nothing to show for my life no girlfriend to be proud of and to love and cuddle and kiss and no one to listen to me, Dad told me last night that Jenny needs to stop sending text messages telling people not to use my car as a taxi and to use the bus instead. He says if i want to start he will take the car off me as him and mum put the £1,600 down payment down on it so until i pay that back its technically not mine.
Maybe the life i want will never happen maybe i need to be repaying everyone for living and maybe i need to start going ahead with my plans as even the young lady i like isn’t interested in me either, Sometimes i wish this disease and the depression that goes with it will do its worst and end everything as soon as possible…