Today my mind feels empty! i’m sitting here wondering why i’m even bothering both dad’s legs have started ulcerating and his symptoms are starting to duplicated exactly how mums problems started, I myself cannot do anything to help him i have to await Nursing staff to visit as i have no resources like i did when mum was here?

I’m really tired and don’t have the energy to do much, i’ve ran Sarah several times on her home phone and mobile and still no reply so i would assume i’m getting no carer support again this week i’m feeling so isolated i can’t go out anywhere just in case he needs something or does something he shouldn’t then i would be in trouble for leaving him alone knowing that he needs 24/7 support. It would breach the Adult Safeguarding law straight the way and he knows it, No one is visiting anymore even my brother says he isn’t visiting to be told what to do all the time.

I met Jenny last night it was nice to have someone around but that feeling isn’t there anymore and she gave me the 10th degree about telling people we have split up when she don’t want people to know as they would just keep rubbing her nose in it all the time, unfortunately i don’t have the energy to argue the case anymore so this time i’m stuck in a realationship i really don’t want to be in.

Although it was nice to have someone close to me again to have a cuddle and chat that feeling isn’t there! i can’t get it out my head that she can allow someone else to pleasure her and then just laugh in my face and apologies and say it won’t happen again, but it did it was the second time! why do i always find people that just want to use me and then do all they can to roan my life for me..

It was nice yesterday to finally chat to the young lady i love to bits although she has flattened my hopes of a relationship with her i still won’t give up, she is so so so sexy so beautiful a true princess with a smile to die for and a figure so princess like, I promised her i would love her like a princess if she gave me a chance but her arguemnt was that she was my coordinator for something and that means in her eyes we cannot be no more than friends, but i never mix my personal life with my professional life i never have and i wish i could perswade her to at least give me a chance even though she says she isn’t looking at this minute… PLEASE GIVE ME A CHANCE! GIVE ME A OPPORTUNITY TO TREAT YOU LIKE THE PRINCESS YOU ARE AND CUDDLE AND KISS YOU LIKE YOU DREAM OF?

While i’m breathing i have hope and although i’m feeling really down these days having her around me means i have a reason to smile and pretend to have a normal life. I want to meet her this week but seriously think that won’t happen as i don’t have the carer cover at this minute and regardless of what i say or do no one wants to listen to me.

Sarah receives £352.00 a month pay and now social services say dad will have to pay from next month £297.00 of that because he receives Pension Credit. so that means that social services are only paying £55.00 a month of the total cost of his 11 hours over 5 days carer support, in the end the 50 years of paying into the system has meant he is now having to pay for something that he paid a contributions towards for nearly 50 years, that isn’t fair?

And i’m wondering what i can do to fix it without making myself unwell, but thats to late i’m getting there already, i’m not eating i’m drinking only the glass of milk i have to take my medication every morning and the ocassional bottle of water throughout the day, Dad got me to get him a Mcdonalds yesterday and said that if i wanted anything i needed to add the money to his, unfortunately after paying all the bills last week i have about £4 left in my account so wasn’t able to afford anything.

And i don’t intent to borrow or loan any money from anyone ever i work on the principle that if i don’t have my own money then it’s my own fault and that means i don’t have anything i spent to many years paying back the bank for my failure to work out that my ex had used me as a income pool for nearly 3 years and then while i was a hospital patient she emptied my bank account and savings and returned to her husband in spain £8,000 better off and left me with debts totalling nearly £10,000.

So you see i will never trust anyone who says “i’ll let you borrow this but you give it me back when you have it” I trust no one if i don’t have the cash i don’t have the items even if it means i don’t eat or drink Full Stop..

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