Today is a slow day i woken up at 10.33 am i must have finally crashed out as i’ve not been sleeping for months really but now i feel really shit. i had my meds late and that meant my stomach pain has started up again, i think i have injured my right arm while lifting shopping the other day because its really hurting me when i move it but hey there is no one else i’m on my own so just have to work through it and hope it don’t get worse.
Dad’s legs have started to blister and that means that the infection that he had in them had gained in pace so i’ve had to call SPA (Single Point of Access) to get Rapid Intervention Nurses to come out again to see him, they have dressed his legs and are planning to keep coming back every day until they have healed.
It helps that we know the nurses anyway as they came to mum every day for 5 years, so although its nice to see them again its also sad as we remember all the good fun we had, I really do miss mum and i feel so alone now without her, the other day i go a letter from the Police thanking me for my efforts in helping a gentleman at the scene of a accident on New Years Eve, I posted a picture of it on Facebook because dad told me i should shred it as it’s not going to help me gain anything useful.
Last year i got a award for completing 5 years of service as a hospital volunteer, i brough ti back home and shown it him and the following weekend he shredded it because he said it wasn’t going to help me acheieve anything.
Finally the young lady i like started talking to me again today, i asked her out but again she said NO! her reason was because she is my coordinator for something i do, but i’ve always been able to keep my professional life seperate from my personal life so i could work with her better than she thinks, i have been brought up to not mix the two positions and although she isn’t looking i’d still like to try and make her happy if she would allow me to, she is extremely beautiful and i know i could give her so much love she would never believe, if she would just give me a chance, nothing has to be official and no one has know. Sadly i will keep trying until i can’t try anymore becaust that is how i am.
She has not stopped checking on me she knows i’m struggling to cope with everything but she still wants to know me even when i thought she had got bored of me, no one has ever done that before hence why i want to treat her nice and love her and give her a wonderful smile always even when she feels crap inside i’d like to be the one that just holds her hand and makes her feel nice, she will possibley read this and laugh at me like everyone does but i know what i mean and maybe if she looks inside her heart she will understand me to.
Dad gave me £10 to go down Mcdonalds and get him something to eat he said if i wanted anything i needed to put money to it, as there isn’t much in the fridge and most of the soups are out of date anyway, but i’ll still have them sometime when i feel like it. When i looked in my bank i’ve only got £4.65 left some that means someone has taken a direct debt again and i have anohter week to wait before i get my money again, lol well its lucky i don’t feel like eating anyway!
Dad got me to switch the timer for the heating boiler off last night and plug in the small radiator in the lounge as its cheaper, i managed to find out from social services that the reason for the price increase for his care is because he now receives Pension Credit Guarenteed so he therefore just tops the band level by £3.00 a week so he has to now pay a 90% contribution towards his care package a month rather than the 25% as before.
So dad says he is going to give a few months and then cancel everything so that we don’t have Sarah anymore which will make my brother so very happy as he says i don’t do anything as it is and that i’m the lazy bastard i’ve always been, he even said that when i was caring for me day in day out for 5 years yet he is booked his holidays for this year all of which out ourside of the UK..
Jenny seems to be telling people that we are still going out and to be honest i don’t have the energy to tell her to do one! she says that i am the reason why she has no friends now and that she is bored all the time, as i said to her she can happily do as she likes i really don’t care anymore i’m happy to be her friend but i really can’t forgive her for what she did, she roaned my happiness and although i don’t keep grudges for long it still annouys me someone. I’ll continue to chat to her and if she wants to go out somewhere i’m happy to go with her but i’m not interested in her for anything else.
Although the other night Jenny got invited to the community enterprise launch that i did because she had been a part of it from the start with me as i’d take her to meetings with me and events, one of the members of the group thought they heard me propose to Jenny but i can assure you i didn’t although i did think about it at one time before she did what she did, i have plans to ask her to marry me this year on her birthday.
Sadly that won’t happen and may never happen, like young ladies have a dream of being a bride i have a dream of being a groom something i was told i would never acheive in my lifetime because i would sacume to the disease before i could do any of my dreams, i know now for a fact that there is a 24% chance that i will be able to father a child of my own because high level drugs over the years have meant i’m not able to produce the necassay sperm to guarantee a success, but they always say practice makes perfect!!
I carry a pack of condoms in my pocket and have done for the past 3 years and still never used them and contree to what Jenny might have told people we have never done any activities that she says we have, and yes i do know how so clever comments are welcome please. I don’t believe in Porn or anything else that relates to women being degraded in any way, I also don’t believe in using people i’m loyal from the start and always have been that is probably why i’ve always lost everytime.
Yeh i have lorry loads of questions to ask young ladies who choose to love me but i’ve never had the guts to ask them and never found anyone who would love me enough to let me be so passionate as i’d like anyway.
This afternoon i’ve sat here and typed this blog i’ve just had a drink of water and am now sitting having rest, tonight i might go and sit with mum for a bit before the cemetery closes for the evening, Sarah is still unwell and highly unlikely to be coming in next week so i need to get some new flowers for the grave and go put them in the pots.. no one else goes and visits anymore and sometimes its the only place that makes me feel like someone really wants me, I asked at the reception the other day how much it would cost for the plot next to mums!
Because i’m a non city of Leicester resident it’s £1,600 for 50 years plus VAT and £560 interment charges, so will have to see if i can save for that as well as the other costs i was looking at a few weeks ago, I know people think i’m cracking up and plan to do something stupid but they are wrong i planned all these things a very long time ago and the depression has just given me time to think about it again.
The GP thinks i’m having a mental breakdown but says unfortunately the funding isn’t there to get me the treatment early so he hopes that the system will snap into place before i get to that point and if they don’t then my plans will be a god send to those around me.
The social system isn’t very helpful these days especially if you can’t cope on your own and when you ask for help no one wants to know, but thats how it goes, its 4.42pm now and dad has just had some more antibiotics as well as a dream that mum was sitting here talking to him, i’ve told him to get over it she’s dead and she isn’t coming back i’m a matter of fact person and the fact is i couldn’t do anything to save her and i watched her take her last breath because of that reason.
I promised her i’d get her well and i even let her down just like i let everyone else down these days..