8.33 am

I’m awake but not bothering to take my meds or have a drink, whats the point! the young lady i like isn’t talking to me she says she is there to listen just like everyone else as usual i’ve pushed her away like i didn’t others before her, no one really wants me do they.

I tried to find out from dad why he don’t want me to be happy last night all i got was “you owe us much more than your brother, you needed more time he didn’t and until i’m ready you will do or go” but i can’t go i have no where to go, i’ve been on the housing waiting list nearly 5 years now and i’m still waiting! because i refused a few properties i was offered as i was caring for mum i’ve been placed at the bottom of the list again so i’m back where i started.

Dad started IV antibiotics last night, a team of nurses from the intensive intervation team are visiting us every 12 hours until Saturday to give him 800mg of Teicoplanin a antibiotic used in the treatment of serious-infections its the same drug i’m given when i need to have a hospital stay.

I’m not stopping my medication just because of the young lady i’m doing it just because ive had enough of the constant daily routine i know i won’t last long without them but you make the best of what you have and then take whatever life throws at you, its not like i have reasons anymore everyone wants to sit and listen but no one actually wants to help.

Yesterday my brother visited for the day and for the whole day he criticised everything i did, he moaned i’d called out the GP when “you should take him to A+E and order then to deal with it”, “your wasting my hard earned money on a service you didn’t need” i can’t do anything right the whole day i had him and dad constantly having a go at different things.

In the end i went out about 3pm and just drove around i collected dad’s IV drugs from the chemist and then went and say in another car park alone for a hour or so at least when i had Jenny i had someone to be with someone to cuddle up to and hold, but someone took that away from me yet again i’m alone i have nothing to show for my life i never have.

The young lady isn’t talking to me i don’t know how to ask her out because i’m afraid she will say NO! i know i’m not perfect but i will be loyal and loving and caring and interested all i want is your love! your heart, i want to be the man that lays by your side and holds you when your in pain that kisses you when you feel alone and that keeps you warm when you feel cold?

I don’t want your money i don’t want to be instantly accepted but i do want a chance to love you I do want that chance to Kiss you to hold you and to make you smile, we have the banter we have the laughs and jokes, but we have something else to! Please give me a chance at least, i promise not to pull any valentine stunts like i did last year i know i embarrassed you rather seriously and i’m sorry.

Funny thing is i’ve never ever received a valentine in my lifetime and would probably think i’d done something wrong if i ever did! Don’t think i will both with any drinks today either not really into the food thing either at this minute everything tastes the same so its boring.

Need to do my 7,000 steps an my weights though today so once i’ve taken dad to his appointment i’ll come home and do them, Its not like i have anything to prove anymore its not like i have a reason now as i don’t GP did change and increase the strenght of my Anti Depressants yesterday so if taking no meds don’t kill me maybe taking them might or well! And not i’m not suicidal i’m just depressed.

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