7.09 am

I can’t sleep can’t get this feeling that i’m alone again everyone seems so pleased that me and jenny are just friends. They get her back to make fun off and talk about behind her back and I get what I’ve always had! People to talk about me people with their own opinions of my life.

The one person that gets what they wanted out of this is her ex he gets to freely fuck her without commitment or regret, at least people will have something to keep their social gatherings lively for the next few months I just get to sit in car parks around the city or county in pitch black and watch my lonely world go by I have what I deserve NOTHING just because I was happy for once I’d found someone to love me someone I could kiss and cuddle someone I could treat to nice things just to see them smile, and in return I’d take nothing just a smile and a thank you!

I’m glad people achieved there goal of proving I was no good for her that her friends were important to her and that when I’d gone they would still be there? Yet again I lose I have nothing I have what I’ve always had just me.

I had dreams of sleeping with someone for the first time of proposing to her of getting married and trying to have a family of living out my days happy now my dream relate to trying to find a fast way out of this lonely hell.

There’s the carbon monoxide poisoning method which would make the car smelly and waste fuel!

Then there is the accidental drowning leaving my car near a canel jumping in under a bridge so no one can see. I definitely can’t swim so it should only take a few minutes.

Or there is the old hanging trick but not that practical for a hobbit like me but would give everyone around gossip material and laughter for a very long time to come.

These are all thoughts which I have time now to work on so they are fool proof. The funny thing that no one ever understood was that me having someone to love me like jenny did meant I was aways from my lonely world I had a focus I had a reason I have nothing now.

I want so badly to ask that young lady out and for her to say guess but I know deep inside like everyone before it will be a NO I’m not good enough to make someone happy I’m not what anyone wants in life. Yeh I want sex I want cuddles and kisses I want hugs I want to treat a lady like a princess I want to see her smile to buy her nice things turn her on and hold her close when she just feels alone. I don’t want anything in return only hugs and kisses and someone to love me and hold me, but it’s never going to happen I’m just a reason for a group of people to do the told you so routine.

I scared that someone being proud of me means I’m in loads of trouble. I don’t accept awards I never have it makes people look for me in a world where I’ve hidden away for so so long, I just plod along trying to make sure what I do makes someone smile gives them a better day than what I’m likely to have.

This is me I wish I could sleep I wish my head would stop hurting and I wish I didn’t feel so scared and alone. But I do! But at least i know some people will be extremely happy now!!!!

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