Wheezy day!

Today i have my massive headache again but have finally managed to sleep for the whole night bar an hour, where i woke up really wheezy and coughing. I decided to give Jenny another chance but am starting to regret my decision as she has repeatedly told me this morning that i’m selfish and don’t care about peoples feelings.

Pot calling kettle black i think! She says i don’t want her because of what she did, and actually she is right its twice now and i gave her a second chance then. I’m stupid for thinking someone might actually love me for me maybe i was totally wrong and maybe i should just reside myself in the fact that i won’t ever find someone to love me for me.

The young lady i love to chat to who i thought might be ignoring me because of what i put on here about her isn’t actually ignoring me she is just really busy, I want her to know that i’m interesting in asking her out but i know she will just tell me the same as she as always said which is NO. Yeh she is my friend but i’d like to treat her to nice things and treat her like the princess she really is, I like her and i know she is going to get really pissed off with me if she reads this but hey yet another person pissed off with me isn’t anything new at this minute.

I can work with her as well as more because i have learnt over years to not let my personal life interrupt with my professional life i respect people i treat people nicely and i care much more than most i grow up in a world where you had to understand people you had to take care of your friends else you wouldn’t have friends, something which isn’t touched upon these days.

Today i’m really cold and regardless of what i do i can’t get warm, Sarah came in at 10 am and dad didn’t want to go out today because it’s to cold there was a frost last night and everywhere is really icy. We went down to Gilroes Cemetery to Plot CP-75 where mum’s grave is and put some new flowers on as the others have died from the cold.

I try to go down whenever i can now days i miss mum so much she was my best friend as i’ve never had that after i left school friends never stayed around long as soon as they found out it wasn’t practical for me to take part in regular piss-ups or partying until the early hours and drinking like the earth was going to end., they didn’t stay around long and unless your useful normally i don’t see them again.

I found a young lady that has become my friend but only in a professional manner (she probably won’t talk to me after reading this but hey) I quite like her and have asked her out before but have received a NO reply but that was some time ago, I might ask her again but have this feeling i will get the same answer!

I promise on my life i will take care of you i will treat you like the princess you are and deserve to be i will make you smile and cuddle you when you are in pain and need just someone. I know i’m not perfect but i also know you have repeatedly said you just want to be friends, But would you please please consider at least giving me a chance, we can work in a professional manner and still be more than just friends trust me.

We have a laugh well i think we have a laugh but i really do care about you and although i’m not great in a social enviroment because i’ve never been included or invited i would like to be a part of things, Yes i’m a carer and yes i have health problems it don’t mean i’m unable to love someone any different.

On another note today i just feel really wheezy and still have this bleedy headache i tried taking some paracetamol the other night but it didn’t work so its easier to leave it, I hope it will go one day and if it don’t i’ll just get used to it like i do everything else.

As i have nothing to do this afternoon i’ve stayed in but i’m really bored tonight i might go out and find somewhere to sit for a while and just watch the world go by like i did a few days ago, yeh its cold but i’m not a social person i don’t have much in common with people, and that’s meanly the reason why i’m not invited places, i can’t hear people in a crowded place so miss the conversations and then end up not chatting to anyone.

Never had anything to eat last night and only had a glass of milk with my medication this morning, dad is constantly on about eating it’s like its the most important thing in his life, it might be to him but i really don’t care everything i eat tastes the same to me so its not worth eating it, I’ve just helped dad make a soup for himself i don’t even want that anymore its boring.

might go back down Gilroes later and sit with mum the gates close at 6 pm so when it closes i’ll go park up down near Fosse road and just watch the world go by again, Jenny wants to see me again but to be honest i’m feel used yet again i though of giving her a piece of her own medicine back but i really don’t think it will make any difference she believes that she hasn’t done anything wrong and if i dedicated my whole day to her like “a proper boyfriend should” then she wouldn’t need to take revenge on me.

I’m wheezing a lot at this minute everyone around has colds or the flu but i feel OK at this minute the wheezing is just the norm for me i’ll keep my ears on it just in case it gets worse but i’m not really going to try and fix it like i always do because i don’t have a reason really. It will go on its own sooner or later, I have lost interest in lots of things and my memory isn’t getting any better.

Yesterday i missed a trustees meeting and also it seems forgot to give the charity my new mobile number, and on wednesday it seems I promised to do a job for someone and forgot all about it so let them down yet again I don’t seem to be doing to well but i’m starting to resine myself to the fact that its how it is and i need to get used to it. As long as dad is happy i really don’t care he has all he wants and although he misses mum he is learning to live his life without her.

He is always using the tablet computer i bought him even if it is to look up cars like my brother does, something i have no interest in and therefore don’t get involved with i’m typing this blog and listening to Open-Air-Radio (Leicester) through my earpiece in my left ear my own shoutcast radio station i created through my own web servers about 6 years ago which plays about 2000 tracks constantly 24/7.

I did at one point try to find funding for it to set it up as a community radio station but needed to get a charity setup and a group of other people interested in the same aims as me but no one seems interested in helping me so its become yet another pipe dream that i will most likely switch off this year.

You see i’m not really good at anything only IT but no one really needs that anymore its because the everyday norm and i don’t have the energy anymore to look for jobs or do projects of my own as they never really get anywhere.

My depression has returned again after 12 years and now i’m 43 and reluctantly taking Anti-depressants to try and keep in the really world, but yet again i feel alone and without nothing in my life to look forward to or move on with, I can’t sleep most of the time and people don’t visit anymore because dad won’t allow anyone in the house.

Maybe that’s why Jenny and others don’t want to get involved with me, To be honest i no longer care anymore i plod along on my own i’ll go back to hiding behind my computer screen and although it was fun while it lasted finding new friends and getting out and about probably wasn’t really a wise idea from me this time as all its done is mean i have nothing to show for it.

Another failed relationship and another unknown amount of years dedicating my life to looking after someone else until they don’t need me anymore, people just don’t understand how difficult it is stand up to someone when the only person behind you to back you up is yourself in the mirror. I don’t need the stress and don’t have the energy anymore these days to fight, All i get from my brother is criticism about what i’m doing or why haven’t i given up all my projects i do?

Well maybe he is right maybe its time to call it a day as whenever i do anything these days i get the cold shoulder for days after, I wanted to go to a meeting on Monday and i told dad i did, but he’s gone and told his carer that he don’t need her on Monday so that means i have to stay here and do what ever he wants me to do.

All i ever do is let people down and it’s not my fault but it’s made to look like it is so others stop asking me and life goes back to how it used to be when mum was here she used to tell him and he stopped now she isn’t all i get is the guilt trip, and its starting to stress me out i really don’t need it, i have to put my phone on silent when i’m at home so that he don’t start shouting when i’m talking to people on the phone. Hence why i stopped answering jenny’s calls, she thought it was because my phone was on charge but she believes whatever anyone tells her.

O well its 4.30 pm so better get back to doing something else, i’ll post again later after i get back.

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