5.23am I’m seriously cold

It seems dad may have switched off the heating again I’m fucking freezing but hey it’s his choice it’s -1c outside and a arctic blast is expected through Leicestershire for the next 3 days I’m so cold.

When mum died dad thrown out all the blankets she had stored up and still didn’t have the double glazed windows resealed to stop the drafts and the consolation installed that the council offered to put in now we can’t afford it when they offered it was free now you have to pay.

I’m so down today already I miss jenny I miss the love and cuddles and kisses I miss what we had I just want all that back. She said she was still going to tell people that we are together that way people won’t know that she fucked someone else without protection other that her pill and implant.

I feel really bad that I have wasted 10 months of my life and spent ages taking her to meet family just to prove to them I wouldn’t be wasting my life yet again on someone else whole don’t really want me.

That curse that my ex’s white witch mother cast is coming true she cast the spell which meant I’d never ever find happiness that I would die a sad and extremely lonely death without friends or family as a forfit for wreaking her daughter’s happy life.

The problem is her daughter was already married with children living in Spain and her and her husband were conning men and women like me out of thousands of pounds by pretending to be single. And getting these people to sign over their savings over as next of kin so that slowly they could empty the funds then leave. I lost everything and to this day she has still not been stopped and I’ve lost everything yet again.

I was so happy again now I’m as lonely as before and I have no one yet again even the young lady I fancy so much don’t want to know me why do I both. Time to put on the pretend smile and happy sarcastic character and make people believe I’m ok yet again but I’m not and I miss someone to cuddle and kiss and that chance to try sex like I’ve always wanted to in my lifetime I’m 43 years old my respiratory diseases are slowing me down and I’m highly unlikely to ever have a family because of side effects from a lifetime of steroid medication.

My life is worthless and I don’t think I can put the effort into even asking the young lady I fancy so much out again just to be to no yet again I’d love to kiss and cuddle and hold her. I’d love to treat her life the princess she is beautiful in every way. I have a meeting with her on Monday with others but I think I might not bother going to something I’m not really welcome at anyway.

She’s probably reading this blog and that’s why she isn’t chatting to me anymore. People do that friends who used to chat don’t anymore unless they want something its a quiet lonely world and I’m residing myself to it.

Dad’s carer isn’t in today and I’m meant to be going volunteering at the hospital this morning but don’t know whether to or not it’s not the same anymore mum used to ask me what id been upto when I returned home at lunchtime no one does that now I just get on with the list of stuff dad has made for me to do while I’ve been out.

I’ve got to take the wheelie bins up the garden today as well as clean the kitchen I might clean the oven if I get time then there is my room to tidy up. If I don’t run out of energy will be great probably will though but hey what can I do?

Went out last night at 6pm told dad I had a meeting unto 10pm but id missed the meeting as it happened the night before but I forgot so I went and sat in the car in a car park near town and just watched the city shutdown for the night. It was cold but I suppose it’s how life is going to be now.

It’s 6.00am time to sleep again possibly.

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