7:25 am awake again

So I have a rock solid hard-on all I was doing was thinking about that you like I hate this all I want to do is ask her out but I’m scared that you tell me to go away doctor told me that if.

I want to get rid of this completely then you can chemically castrate me but that means nothing then it’s so embarrassing can’t seem to do anything now been up this all day really going to keep my coat done up and everything and hope that I don’t turn red with embarrassment I can’t sleep either not slept since 4 a.m. my head is still hurting me it’s now been hurting me nearly 12 days.

took some paracetamol didn’t work actually took some paracetamol about 3 or 4 times this week still not working it’s in the back of my head and it’s like a whirring it’s constantly there I took my blood pressure according to the monitor it’s normal but something is not right it could be the antidepressant I started that again on the 1st of January so it could be that but not sure but I can’t cope without it not at the minute struggling to deal with each day last night I got back from being out dad was sitting here crying his eyes out you’d already taken the painkillers and he’s still in pain and.

I couldn’t help him you now can hear it when he stands up is knees a grinding it’s equivalent to the sound you hear when you grind pepper out of a pepper grinder really sounds really bad and he’s we both knees and all everyone says is we can’t do anything until the surgery but Windsor surgery they can’t tell us and I’m struggling to deal with his pain I don’t like seeing him in pain I watched it for nearly.

2 years with Mum you did me then I couldn’t do anything if you call paramedics they can give him something but taking me to hospital and they discharging because there’s still nothing they can do he has to fall and injury himself before he’s even classed as an emergency.

I’m in a no win situation again and I don’t know what to do exactly as I was with Mum until I went down to the surgery cried my eyes out in front of them begging for help and someone helped I don’t have to do that again I hope I really hope I don’t the ambulance crew that came to mum then safeguard her against me which started investigation into cruelty against mum because they said that.

I hadn’t took care of her correctly therefore she was in pain I had I done everything I could I just didn’t have the resources didn’t have to know how didn’t have the facilities all the help but in the end 3 years after that started I got the help but it was too late it was too advanced and she died in hospital on the 11th of October 2016 at 10:15 p.m.

I sat there and watched her take her last breath how pain is gone but mine has just begun I was now the carer of Dad doing the same thing all over again with the same problems and no support yet again I lay here in bed wondering what the day is going to bring I know one thing I’m down again.

I’m going to be really quiet and support isn’t as be there plus they have the added extra of this a slight problem some may laugh so may not put yourself in my shoes not fun whose men have problems women have problems which one is most embarrassing unsure maybe.

if I had the guts to ask someone out and got used to being told no I won’t have a problem getting used to being told no getting used to being nothing oh well must try and get some sleep good night.

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