So it’s 4:44 in the morning

well can’t sleep again but suppose I have to put up with it just playing with dictation software on a mobile phone like always wish sometimes it wasn’t like this Jenny offered to pay for some food last night but I refused not willing to take something from someone and not make my contribution.

She assumes I’m doing other jobs so I don’t have to be with her yeah I did go and help my ex teacher with a mobile phone before she went away this morning to Brighton. but she helped me nearly 7 years ago by giving me money on top of the £4,500 I had to pay the bank she got me out of a lot of debt saving me having to have a £10,000 loan from the bank to pay the debts that my ex left me with I should have learnt my lesson but didn’t like always.

Jenny thinks I don’t want her maybe she’s right maybe she’s wrong I really don’t know her best friend she’s absolutely gorgeous but she already told me I’m wasting my time plus I have Jenny but I’d prefer her hands down  at least i wouldn’t feel like her support worker all the time as i do for Jenny.

All she does is ask me to help her with different things no more cuddles no more kisses none of the other like others assume but we leave them to assume because that’s what people are good at no one actually asked questions no one actually finds out everyone assumes wish sometimes people would keep their nose out it would make me a lot happier and Jenny won’t be too worried about what other people think tonight she’s  staying with Danny.

Already warned him if he touches her I’ll deal with him I have a funny feeling he will try it on and Jenny won’t refuse because she doesn’t know how to I’d castrate the cunt if I had the opportunity but that would upset all Jenny friends and Jenny needs her friends I don’t care never had a friend so don’t know what it feels like.

I look after people like they would look after me well might look after me.

I treat people how I expect to be treated getting on the wrong side of me you know all about it get on the right side of me I look after you for life. mum always said me and Lee our like the Krays we look after each other look after a family look after all friends but anyone upsets us they better hope and Pray one they look behind them day in day out and two they are good at f****** run fast because if they get on the wrong side of us they will know about it.

Danny’s Jenny is ex they were together 5 years he knows I like the back of his hand he also knows how quick and easy she is don’t like her staying with Danny she sleeps in the same bed as him and when he’s at mine too he has a tendency to be a bit forceful which isn’t acceptable but Danny don’t know sometimes I think he ain’t got the brains but then again he’s very good at manipulating people there going out this afternoon for a drink with Nadine and then he’s off somewhere.

I’m assuming there’ll think that mean Jenny is sleeping together at his sorry to disappoint but we not had sex for a long time and no matter what people have thought and think I don’t intend to Jenny might tell people lots of different things but I know one thing I’m not stupid I’ve been there before got caught with my trousers down don’t intend to again

I like this dictation piece on my new phone means I don’t have to type for indefinite. Had to go and see Charles yesterday afternoon Dad assumed it was for some work that i was going to do in fact unbeknown to me it was so Charles and Nadine could take me out and have a chat offered to buy me food and a drink I accepted a drink but had no intention in accepting food it’s not that I don’t want to eat it’s that I don’t want to be seen to be accepted charity I can pay for my own stuff which at this moment I can’t afford.

I’m just paying everyone else first Bill’s that need to be paid first and I don’t intend to have people ringing me like last year asking where the money is because I spent it on other things yeah I am hungry but in the end don’t feel like eating anyway nothing tastes of anything just really bland.

Jenny wants to take me out tonight. I said yes but what she don’t know is while I’m paying for her food I use the fiver out of my pocket to pay for something for me it’s my last fiver and it’ll sort of make her happy don’t intend to take anything from anyone not even Dad because there is always come backs somewhere can’t take it it gets in my head I don’t need it there’ll always be someone coming back saying well you had this off me and i let you have got you that i’m not having that from anyone yeah it was nice of Charles and Nadine.

but still didn’t help how I feel still don’t make life easier still makes it feel like I’m on my own like always no one there to help when I need them like before the new year when I really needed someone sarcastic comments of you wasn’t invited i heard that from everyone I went to all I wanted to do was sit in a corner with a load of people around me so I don’t feel so isolated but no-one wanted me so.

I spent 40 to 50 minutes sitting next to Mum’s grave at Gilroes it was fucking cold but she always wanted me she always knew exactly what to say she always was there to put an arm around me and say it’ll be ok but it won’t be ok she’s not here nothing is gonna be the same again.

I’m on my own like I’ve always been Jenny wants to help but she don’t know she doesn’t understand how it used to be when I can’t explain to her It take too long and she probably still won’t get it no one will o well may as well try and get another bit of sleeping play with this again tomorrow.

Still fancy the socks off Nadine and she’s fucking gorgeous forgotten second chance still ask her out you’ll probably say no but why don’t people give me a chance would be nice.

And no not taking it out there this blog is me how I feel what I think people don’t like it you don’t have to read it full stop.

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