I’ve been out with Jenny tonight but things don’t seem right she was extremely distant and i just feel like she wants someone else other than me she plans to go stay with her friends from tomorrow for 3 days she seems to be pre occupid by staying with him like she prefers to be with her ex than me, but really i can blame her! i’m not the best boyfriend around i buy her gifts and flowers and treat her like a princess but most women don’t want that it seems.
I have this feeling i’m going to lose her much like i lose everyone, but what can i do i don’t have the fight anymore to go chasing something i know i will never get i got rid of my dreams a long time ago and realised that no one wants what i want therefore maybe its time to call it quits, maybe its time to stop fighting, stop trying to beat the clock and do what my brother suggested the other day.
Maybe stopping being volunteer and a trustee as well as all the other things i do and start concentrating on looking after dad until he don’t need me anymore i have come home to find him crying in the chair because the pain tonight is just so bad and he can’t move without his joints clicking. He’s getting tired and up to now no one wants to help him not even the GP.
And i don’t know what to do next i’m getting tired trying to help with all the tasks he used to do on his own 95% of the time he starts a job these days and i end up finishing it for him because he’s tired and cannot stand anymore he always does things when the carer has gone home and i end up finding more difficult to keep up with everything i’m trying to do.
These days i miss most meetings or appointments because i can’t leave until someone is here or i’m worried what he might do while i’m out so i don’t go out, that way he won’t do anything and i know he is safe. These days its starting to make me look like i always let people down but i never used to, He always said he would get me back one day and he is slowly.
I’m slowly losing the friends i have got because they don’t want to step foot through the door because he don’t make them feel welcome and would rather go sleep then talk to anyone or he disappears upstairs on the stair lift, today he suggested i might be very down and maybe i should stop going out that way i won’t feel that way.
I want to get out but its getting harder to he regularly gets Sarah to do just tidy up the room or put the clothes in the cupboard and then says that’s all he needs so she is told to go home, but once she has gone he just gives me a giant list of things to do.
This afternoon i’ve was sent with a large shopping list of things to get in to last us until Monday or Tuesday then “you can go out again once Sarah has gone home” I’d just love to have something other that a dam ready meal every day or a pasty.. its getting boring and most days for the last few months i don’t eat anything because the rule in this house is if you don’t like what is available then you don’t have anything and that’s how its always been all my life, so i don’t have anything! Solved.