I feel shit!

I’m sorry but this blog is becoming my sounding board as i feel so alone at this minute, i’ve been busy trying to keep my mind occupied but its not worked my mind is still all muddled up and i don’t know how to fix it.. I’m unsure what i want i have had a consistent headache for the past 6 days and although its not really bad its in the background and is slowly starting to get to me, i wish mum was here she would be able to help me work out whats wrong and help me find a way to fix it.

Although the Sertraline is keeping me calm its still not helping me sort out my brain and the feeling of loneliness and that i’m a carer without a voice, no one is listening and i don’t know how to make them listen i just want some time out and up to now it looks like i won’t get that.

My brother just waves his hands of all responsibility claiming that being on 12 hour shifts and having recently had major heart surgery he is no longer able to take responsibility for the day to day care of my dad, although he is able to go for nights out to the theatre and cinema as well as making a regular weekly trip to derby to visit his brother-in law at his university accommodation.

I would love to go to the cinema or theatre with someone just for a few hours each week, but i can’t get the care cover and dad won’t allow anyone else into the house other than Sarah who has been working with us for nearly 7 years now she was originally my mum’s carer for 5 years until her death in 2016, and was then transferred across to be the preferred carer for my dad. He was assessed as requiring minimal carer requirements and therefore a allocations of 11 hours per week Monday – Friday was supported and no cover for weekends as social services decided that regardless of my health issues i did not meet the requirements to authorities extra monies for weekends as i would be able to do this.

Sadly these days though its getting more and more difficult for me to do this and if dad feels like he does want to go out i just bite my tongue and accept it and do my best regardless of whether it tires me or not, I know that i’m slowing down i know that my chest is getting more tighter and that my lungs are gaining more infections but what can i do i just carry on. I choose not to say anything to dad and carry on in fact i don’t tell no one! whats the point as no one is listening everyone has their own opinions and ways in which things should be done.

But no one asks me no one listens to what i want or what i need i’m a lonely carer with a health problem that just keeps going because i have to as their is no one else the buck stops with me if anything goes wrong i’m the person that is going to get the blame and i have to accept that, this is starting to feel like a life sentence without parole.

i see Jenny each evening for about 2 hours now it used to be 4 but as dad has started to need more support with everyday tasks that he always seems to want to do of a evening its slowly meant that i feel guilty for leaving him alone just in case something happens then i will get the blame for neglecting him.

Sooner or later Jenny is going to have enough and i will lose her just like i lose everyone else hardly anyone visits us these days at home and when they do, dad makes them so unwelcome that they don’t return, Jenny isn’t welcome at all dad feels i should be seeing someone who is normal and now someone with needs like she has, its unfair but you try telling a 76 year old who is set in his ways and believes that bringing another woman into the house will means his wife’s and my mums memory will be lost forever.

Which isn’t true but it’s really pointless trying to change his mindset as the earache from it will be giant and i really don’t need that, I just wish things where so different i wish dad was more mobile and i was living else where but i’m not and no possible chance of that happening for a very long time to come.

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