It’s 5:31 am and no more sleep!

So it seems I’ve slepted until now I’ve been woken by bad thoughts of what i could do to end things once and for all, its Saturday morning i have no care support until monday if she turns up that is!

Can i cope? Probably not! Dad said last night that he wants to go out shopping again and that means ill have to lift his electric scooter out the boot single handedly while he sits in the car i did my back in last time doing that but never said anything just carried on with it.

I have a motability vehicle but with no adaptions other that mirror lenes on the left side which the everyday person don’t notice when i had the car dad didn’t have osteoarthritis as bad as he has now. He has extremely low mobility as both his knee joints are rubing bone to bone which means a pain scale of 10 out of 10 even when hes sitting. So you imagine what it is when he walks with crotches.

His GP will only issue him with Co-codamal 8mg/500mg as he says dads age is against him and the risk of stroke or heart attack is to high to prescribe anything else so at 76 years old some days and nights i have to watch him crying like a baby while hes sitting on the sofa because the pain is so bad and i don’t have anything else in the house that is stronger.

I hate watching this i can’t do anything to help him i have nothing there to help ease his pain. So going out takes his mind away from it but fucks me up for the rest of the week sometimes but i still carry on i do whatever he asks because there isn’t any one else only me and dad now! But it gets to me i just need some downtime a few hours away.

But i can’t get it! When i meet jenny every evening i make sure he has a drink and the phone as well as the TV remotes by his chair i lock the front down behind me then remotely turn the CCTV camera we have so its monitoring the front door. I then get in the car and pick jenny up we either then go to the highcross and sit and chat or go and park the car up somewhere and sit there for 3 hrs chatting. Contrary to what people think we do they are wrong.

Dad won’t allow jenny to set foot in the house at all he says that when i choose someone a little more educated then she will be welcome like normal people? Jenny has what is thought to be undiagnosed Autism which means life for her is somewhat challenging at the best of times. I sometimes feel like her support worker and not her boyfriend which makes things complicated somewhat.

Jenny gets so upset and so bored sometimes all she wants to do is have a long cuddle which i dont mind but its not fun! I’d love to take her to the cinema or theatre but 3 hrs isnt long enough to drive somewhere find parking then see a show then drop her off home and drive home myself to be back in for 9pm. And then finish the nights jobs of washing up and making drinks and a snack and having my medication and a rest before going sleep myself.

If im later at returning home i get 3 hours of the guilt trip”me and your mum never left you alone for this long when you was fighting for you life in hospital” “what if this or that would have happened I’d tell them you neglected me so you could swan off out with you bird and enjoy yourself”

The same as before years ago when i was with my ex back then it was 2 hours now it 3 so at least i get an extra hour. And last night he was talking about handing back his licence to drive which means ill be the only driver in the house and will be limited even more. Has he said a long time ago and keeps saying it.

You can be happy when I’m not here you had you chance and look at the shambles you made of it mounting debts and the shame you put on us. You now own me and you mum when we are gone you can do as you please until then you do as you told. Or people will really find out what a waste of space you really are?

He means how i find it so difficult to learn new skills and how i start something and never finish it because its always him or someone else starting the idea with me only for them to walk away if i get unwell for a few weeks. So all my ideas never keep running for long.

So hence why i want out! Why i hide away and why my relationships end so fast and i have this feeling that jenny wontbbe long before she goes to just like the last.


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